dizzy

7 months. A lot has happened, but I don't really want to spend then next ten minutes going into it. So I'll just talk about right now. I'm a senior, for starters. It's kind of a weird feeling. I know I'm a senior, that this is my last year of highschool, and yet when people ask me what grade I'm in I say "Oh, I'll be a senior next year." It's hard for me to actually process that this is my last year: the last time I'll be with all of my friends every day, the last time I'll be permanently living with my family, the last time I'm allowed to say "well I'm just a kid!" I feel like I have so much that I need to accomplish in the next year, and yet I have a hard time actually doing anything. I feel stressed and nervous and confused and emotional and completely unable to live in the moment. Teachers keep telling me that: live in the moment. Cherish every moment and don't live in the future. But in practice, I never seem to get my mind off of what I'm going to do tomorrow or the next day or the next.

I've been doing practice ACT tests, and I was talking to my doctor (through my mother) about them and she thinks that maybe I'm ADD. So she told me to try my brother's medication for one of the tests and see if I do better. Well, yesterday at like 4:30 I took two pills and started the test. About half way through I started shaking and my mind was racing. My eyes were taking a little longer to see objects in focus and I felt extremely light-headed. I got all nervous that I was having a bad reaction to the pills, but I continued the test. My entire family is in Mammoth, so I was home alone without anyone to ask for advice. Once I finished the test, I reread the bottle. It said that I was supposed to take the pills with food, and I hadn't eaten since breakfast. Anyway, I had to go to Amelia's birthday party, so I waited for a half hour until I felt a little better, and then left. A half hour later, I was driving around aimlessly in Santa Monica, completely lost and overwhelmed, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It was just one of those nights when you feel like at any moment you may start sobbing. I kept driving around for another fifteen minutes, and I tried calling ten different people, but no one picked up. So finally I called Lizzy and explained what was happening, and decided to just drive to her house. After eating and watching Dawson's Creek with Lizzy, I felt a lot better and I finally went home. The thing is, the fact that I overdosed on ADD pills was not the only reason I felt so awful. I've just been feeling incredibly lonely lately. Not like I don't have friends, but more that I don't have a boyfriend. I know how that sounds, but I think love is one of the main reasons to live, and the fact that I haven't felt that reciprocated is increadibly disheartening. And even more than that I've just been realizing that I don't even have the confidence to look for it. It's my last year of highschool, and I would have thought I would be more secure at this point. I guess I've always chosen rejection before putting myself in a vulnerable position. So maybe my goal this year is to love. Not necesarily a boy or even another person, but to love myself. Hopefully the rest will follow.

la-la-la

WOW, so i bet you all thought i had given up on this blog. however really i've just been forgetting and forgetting and avoiding posting on it for the past three months (?). so i suppose i have a lot to catch y'all up on. i'm going to be fun and do this by month...
November: so after my birthday there was only like 10 days left and nothing happened, i dont think
December: billy budd, christmas etc. Billy budd was quite the experience... it was time consuming, frustrating, i cant come up with any more ings but it was a pain in the ass. it didnt change my life, or if it has i havent seen the result yet. it did however make me realize just how hard it is to do a group project. there was a lot of tenseness in our group of me gianna tiffany and lizzy. i spent a lot of the project being mad at my group members, and instead of doing anything about it, just complaining about them. but in the end we magically pulled off an A. one of the big things this project taught me was that public speaking--not that big of a deal. i actually feel quite comfortable with speaking in front of crowds. anyway after billy budd i went to chicago with the family. my mother and sister hated it, as they always do. you see they dont get along with my dictator of a grandmother very well. my grandma is homophobic, slightly racist, stubborn to no end, a devoted member of the republican party, supporter of the war, woman that is possibly the most controlling woman i know. yes, i know she sounds horrible. but she is actually very amusing, and if you just laugh at her (best to do it on the inside) you can find a way to manage being with her. the last night (new years eve) my grandma and i made desserts (baked alaska and bannanas foster) and they were sort of good! however she made this horrible "salad" called lime velvet that almost made me start vomiting everywhere. it has green gelatin (aka the lettuce), celery, pineapple chunks, cream cheese, and whipped cream. yeahhhhh. so anyway 2005 was fine, it wasnt especially life changing, although i always think that at new years. my siblings and i were the only ones up till midnight and it was really nice just sitting in my grandparents living room with claire matt and ryan and just talking and laughing. we all have such different points in our lives it is rare that we just hang out together. 2005 however was a year of solid friendships. i became better friends with the people i wanted to, and got a pretty solid "group" of people that i absolutely adore. claire read my tarrot cards for this new year, so maybe i'll post that and we can follow along and see if its right for each month.

january: ok so i dont really know when gypsy was, but i'll go ahead and put it in january (they all blur together for me now). gypsy was so fun, even though my job was sort of fake. i liked jeff during it for a few weeks, its always funny to like someone who you once liked a long time ago (like in 9th grade?) anyway i did the boys makeup and followed kate around. it was actually really fun, i am so excited to work on all my sons (asming!!) during this month i also fell further in love with a beautiful boy that works in starbucks, zachary. he came out during his break and talked with me for like 35 minutes. anyway he's ONLY 21, and single, and not a college drop out (like i originally thought)-and i am madly madly in love. also--i drive myself to school now! yay! no more of gianna beeping outside, waiting for me to get my ass into her car. i was mad at her a lot for yelling at me about being slow but now i kind of get it (because matt has taken that slow place). but yeah, i'm finally a big girl. so something else i decided in january (or maybe it was early febuary?) that i should tell john. ive gotten to a point where liking him causes more problems than it does happiness. anyway thats the short story of i'm telling him so i can move on with my life and stop thinking about that fuck head. anyway who knows when this will happen, hopefully this week--if he stops trying to avoid it, and if i stop being scared. also claire changed to scripps which is nice for me because i get to see her a lot more, and i've even driven up a few times. she's having a little bit of a hard time because she's coming in mid semester and all, but i'm sure it will get better. so january has been a long paragraph but the last piece of news is we randomly bought a house in mammoth. it is really pretty and i am verrrry excited about pretending i'm on the oc and going up there with my friends

Febuary: yayyy last month. ok so during febuary i had semi formal! it was i think the best semi formal i've had so far. i had a dress i loved, and i was in a limo with people i loved (me ali lizzy elisa sara lauren gianna jeff brian john matt jp peter michael). it was masquerade themed and there were booths with fortune tellers and things outside. i danced a lot and talked and had so much fun. at the end there were like three or four songs in a row that i knew all the words to, i think barbie girl, baby got back and love shack? maybe? anyway it was amazing and we were like the last ones on the dance floor, i was slow dancing with matt and elisa was slow dancing with peter and was mouthing things to me over his shoulder (none of which i could understand). anyway afterwards we went laser tagging, and even though i thought i'd be amazing, it turns out i'm quite bad at it. our team lost, and the team we created to lose won all three rounds...bastards. but the sleep over was so fun, although i fell asleep only ten minutes into Clue.

on a much less happy note, a few days before semi formal matt silverman killed himself. i'm not sure what i can really say about this that will do justice to the thoughts that went through my head when i found out--but it really shook me up. ive had a lot of experiences with people i love being depressed, it all just felt too close to home. it was a very surreal situation and all the seniors and teachers kept saying "there's nothing anyone could have done" which only made me feel worse. it made it seem like he was hopeless, like he was depressed and he was going to kill himself no matter what. i know thats not what they meant, but it just came off as a way to take the blame off of us.

anyway i had my choir preformance tonight which was fun, i asked mr d to be my bff and he was confused, i think he thought i was asking him to be my boyfriend. i'm so excited for heritage, i love all of these bonding opportunities (college trip, lock in, heritage, prom etc). i'm a little worried about the whole prom situation, but i'm trying to not worry and hope it all magically works itself out. so this post has been very very long, but at least now i can post more often because i dont feel like i have to catch you all up on my life. awesome.

la-la-la

WOW, so i bet you all thought i had given up on this blog. however really i've just been forgetting and forgetting and avoiding posting on it for the past three months (?). so i suppose i have a lot to catch y'all up on. i'm going to be fun and do this by month...
November: so after my birthday there was only like 10 days left and nothing happened, i dont think
December: billy budd, christmas etc. Billy budd was quite the experience... it was time consuming, frustrating, i cant come up with any more ings but it was a pain in the ass. it didnt change my life, or if it has i havent seen the result yet. it did however make me realize just how hard it is to do a group project. there was a lot of tenseness in our group of me gianna tiffany and lizzy. i spent a lot of the project being mad at my group members, and instead of doing anything about it, just complaining about them. but in the end we magically pulled off an A. one of the big things this project taught me was that public speaking--not that big of a deal. i actually feel quite comfortable with speaking in front of crowds. anyway after billy budd i went to chicago with the family. my mother and sister hated it, as they always do. you see they dont get along with my dictator of a grandmother very well. my grandma is homophobic, slightly racist, stubborn to no end, a devoted member of the republican party, supporter of the war, woman that is possibly the most controlling woman i know. yes, i know she sounds horrible. but she is actually very amusing, and if you just laugh at her (best to do it on the inside) you can find a way to manage being with her. the last night (new years eve) my grandma and i made desserts (baked alaska and bannanas foster) and they were sort of good! however she made this horrible "salad" called lime velvet that almost made me start vomiting everywhere. it has green gelatin (aka the lettuce), celery, pineapple chunks, cream cheese, and whipped cream. yeahhhhh. so anyway 2005 was fine, it wasnt especially life changing, although i always think that at new years. my siblings and i were the only ones up till midnight and it was really nice just sitting in my grandparents living room with claire matt and ryan and just talking and laughing. we all have such different points in our lives it is rare that we just hang out together. 2005 however was a year of solid friendships. i became better friends with the people i wanted to, and got a pretty solid "group" of people that i absolutely adore. claire read my tarrot cards for this new year, so maybe i'll post that and we can follow along and see if its right for each month.

january: ok so i dont really know when gypsy was, but i'll go ahead and put it in january (they all blur together for me now). gypsy was so fun, even though my job was sort of fake. i liked jeff during it for a few weeks, its always funny to like someone who you once liked a long time ago (like in 9th grade?) anyway i did the boys makeup and followed kate around. it was actually really fun, i am so excited to work on all my sons (asming!!) during this month i also fell further in love with a beautiful boy that works in starbucks, zachary. he came out during his break and talked with me for like 35 minutes. anyway he's ONLY 21, and single, and not a college drop out (like i originally thought)-and i am madly madly in love. also--i drive myself to school now! yay! no more of gianna beeping outside, waiting for me to get my ass into her car. i was mad at her a lot for yelling at me about being slow but now i kind of get it (because matt has taken that slow place). but yeah, i'm finally a big girl. so something else i decided in january (or maybe it was early febuary?) that i should tell john. ive gotten to a point where liking him causes more problems than it does happiness. anyway thats the short story of i'm telling him so i can move on with my life and stop thinking about that fuck head. anyway who knows when this will happen, hopefully this week--if he stops trying to avoid it, and if i stop being scared. also claire changed to scripps which is nice for me because i get to see her a lot more, and i've even driven up a few times. she's having a little bit of a hard time because she's coming in mid semester and all, but i'm sure it will get better. so january has been a long paragraph but the last piece of news is we randomly bought a house in mammoth. it is really pretty and i am verrrry excited about pretending i'm on the oc and going up there with my friends

Febuary: yayyy last month. ok so during febuary i had semi formal! it was i think the best semi formal i've had so far. i had a dress i loved, and i was in a limo with people i loved (me ali lizzy elisa sara lauren gianna jeff brian john matt jp peter michael). it was masquerade themed and there were booths with fortune tellers and things outside. i danced a lot and talked and had so much fun. at the end there were like three or four songs in a row that i knew all the words to, i think barbie girl, baby got back and love shack? maybe? anyway it was amazing and we were like the last ones on the dance floor, i was slow dancing with matt and elisa was slow dancing with peter and was mouthing things to me over his shoulder (none of which i could understand). anyway afterwards we went laser tagging, and even though i thought i'd be amazing, it turns out i'm quite bad at it. our team lost, and the team we created to lose won all three rounds...bastards. but the sleep over was so fun, although i fell asleep only ten minutes into Clue.

on a much less happy note, a few days before semi formal matt silverman killed himself. i'm not sure what i can really say about this that will do justice to the thoughts that went through my head when i found out--but it really shook me up. ive had a lot of experiences with people i love being depressed, it all just felt too close to home. it was a very surreal situation and all the seniors and teachers kept saying "there's nothing anyone could have done" which only made me feel worse. it made it seem like he was hopeless, like he was depressed and he was going to kill himself no matter what. i know thats not what they meant, but it just came off as a way to take the blame off of us.

anyway i had my choir preformance tonight which was fun, i asked mr d to be my bff and he was confused, i think he thought i was asking him to be my boyfriend. i'm so excited for heritage, i love all of these bonding opportunities (college trip, lock in, heritage, prom etc). i'm a little worried about the whole prom situation, but i'm trying to not worry and hope it all magically works itself out. so this post has been very very long, but at least now i can post more often because i dont feel like i have to catch you all up on my life. awesome.

i really don't have time to type, but i had so much fun today! i had my locker wrapped, cake from sara and yearbook, dinner with my family and i've been sung happy birthday like 6 times! and now i have seven little cousins at my house running and screaming and not letting me do homework! yesss!

edge of seventeen

two more days until i am no longer a sixteen year old. it's hard for me to actually believe i'm going to be seventeen. i was reading over old blog posts, specifically the one i made on my birthday last year. i kept saying how different this year would be, what a more mature person i would become when i turned sixteen. i remember thinking that in this year i would do all of the "teenager stuff" that i hadn't done before. i thought i would have a boyfriend, go to parties where i actually drink alcohol, try drugs, and get my license. well, at least i've accomlished one of those-which i am very proud of (even though i failed the first time). but the thing is, even though i may not appear to be completely changed, and i may not seem any more experienced than i was last year, i have changed in ways that can't be seen. i feel more comfortable with myself now than i ever have before. i feel more confident and self assured. i also have a group of friends that are some of the most compassionate, intelligent and funny people that i've ever met. they have made me feel less alone, and they give me something to look forward to every day. you've made highschool not only bearable, but fun. it may be the fact that i am completely hoarse and on like 6 different medications (including my steroids) that has made me so sentimental, but it really has been an honor to spend the past few years with you guys. and instead of predicting what will happen in this next year, for once i am going to try and enjoy what's happening right now.

so i'm sorry about my vagueness, but elisa-i'm pretty sure it's not just a phase.

This people's got it

well, i never thought this would happen again. it's weird, the feeling is so comfortable, so familiar--but that was ninth grade! how could it come back? i keep thinking maybe it's just a phase, which with me is very possible-but if it's not, what is going to happen, what the hell am i going to do?

out like a light

ok i believe most of the people reading this knows already, so i can finally post about this. for those of you that don't know, i found out (a little over a year ago) that i have a half sister. it was weird, the way i found out-my mom took me and ryan with her to visit carolyn and the chinese cousins in san fransisco. one night she told ryan to sleep over at my aunt's house and i went back to the hotel with her. it was kind of a crappy hotel, but it was close to her house, and it had a pool (which at that time was a requirement of ryan's). i remember i was sitting at the little table in the room, and she sat down with me and seemed really worried. she said she had to tell me something important. my stomach tied up in a knot, i didn't like the idea of my mom telling me bad news. "i didnt just take you up here to visit carolyn...there's another reason i brought you with me." For some reason i immediately thought my parents were getting a divorce, i dont know why, it doesnt even make sense-it's not like san fransisco is the only place you can get divorced in. she said no, that wasnt it. it's weird, my next guess was "do you have another child here or something?" i know that sounds fake, why would someone guess that randomly (i'm blaming all the 7th heaven shows i've watched), but i was right. she explained what happened, she was only 19. she couldnt bring herself to have an abortion so she wanted to give it up for adoptions. it was at the beginning of her first year of college. her parents sent her away to live with some uncle she didn't know very well. i cant even imagine what that'd be like. it's not that her parents are bad people, but they're scared people, and they are so closed minded. i guess they thought this was something my mom (and their family) should be ashamed about. that feeling kind of rubbed off on my mom, and even today she feels horrible about it. my dads not very supportive of it, i guess he feels threatened by it, or embarassed to let people know. but when he's embarassed or scared, he ends up just being angry. no one on my dad's side knows about her-- heather that is. not my grandma or grandpa or any of the my dad's siblings. all my mom's sisters know (obviously) but none of their kids know. i know some of you are wondering why it took me so long to tell you guys this. but the thing is, ever since i found out (which wasnt that long ago), i've been sworn to secrecy. no one is supposed to know. RYAN found out a month ago, and he's my brother! i didnt tell people this in any particular order. it was basically just who was there when i felt like i had to tell someone. sometimes it kind of came up, i know it doesnt seem like it'd come up, but all that talk of cookies really makes it hard not to tell... anyway this has become a really long post, but if any of you have any questions or anything, i'll prbably answer them. oh yeah and sooner or later i'll post a picture of her.