make it a hobbit

dizzy

2006-09-03T11:11:00.000-07:00

7 months. A lot has happened, but I don't really want to spend then next ten minutes going into it. So I'll just talk about right now. I'm a senior, for starters. It's kind of a weird feeling. I know I'm a senior, that this is my last year of highschool, and yet when people ask me what grade I'm in I say "Oh, I'll be a senior next year." It's hard for me to actually process that this is my last year: the last time I'll be with all of my friends every day, the last time I'll be permanently living with my family, the last time I'm allowed to say "well I'm just a kid!" I feel like I have so much that I need to accomplish in the next year, and yet I have a hard time actually doing anything. I feel stressed and nervous and confused and emotional and completely unable to live in the moment. Teachers keep telling me that: live in the moment. Cherish every moment and don't live in the future. But in practice, I never seem to get my mind off of what I'm going to do tomorrow or the next day or the next.

I've been doing practice ACT tests, and I was talking to my doctor (through my mother) about them and she thinks that maybe I'm ADD. So she told me to try my brother's medication for one of the tests and see if I do better. Well, yesterday at like 4:30 I took two pills and started the test. About half way through I started shaking and my mind was racing. My eyes were taking a little longer to see objects in focus and I felt extremely light-headed. I got all nervous that I was having a bad reaction to the pills, but I continued the test. My entire family is in Mammoth, so I was home alone without anyone to ask for advice. Once I finished the test, I reread the bottle. It said that I was supposed to take the pills with food, and I hadn't eaten since breakfast. Anyway, I had to go to Amelia's birthday party, so I waited for a half hour until I felt a little better, and then left. A half hour later, I was driving around aimlessly in Santa Monica, completely lost and overwhelmed, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It was just one of those nights when you feel like at any moment you may start sobbing. I kept driving around for another fifteen minutes, and I tried calling ten different people, but no one picked up. So finally I called Lizzy and explained what was happening, and decided to just drive to her house. After eating and watching Dawson's Creek with Lizzy, I felt a lot better and I finally went home. The thing is, the fact that I overdosed on ADD pills was not the only reason I felt so awful. I've just been feeling incredibly lonely lately. Not like I don't have friends, but more that I don't have a boyfriend. I know how that sounds, but I think love is one of the main reasons to live, and the fact that I haven't felt that reciprocated is increadibly disheartening. And even more than that I've just been realizing that I don't even have the confidence to look for it. It's my last year of highschool, and I would have thought I would be more secure at this point. I guess I've always chosen rejection before putting myself in a vulnerable position. So maybe my goal this year is to love. Not necesarily a boy or even another person, but to love myself. Hopefully the rest will follow.

la-la-la

2006-02-15T21:43:00.001-08:00

WOW, so i bet you all thought i had given up on this blog. however really i've just been forgetting and forgetting and avoiding posting on it for the past three months (?). so i suppose i have a lot to catch y'all up on. i'm going to be fun and do this by month...
November: so after my birthday there was only like 10 days left and nothing happened, i dont think
December: billy budd, christmas etc. Billy budd was quite the experience... it was time consuming, frustrating, i cant come up with any more ings but it was a pain in the ass. it didnt change my life, or if it has i havent seen the result yet. it did however make me realize just how hard it is to do a group project. there was a lot of tenseness in our group of me gianna tiffany and lizzy. i spent a lot of the project being mad at my group members, and instead of doing anything about it, just complaining about them. but in the end we magically pulled off an A. one of the big things this project taught me was that public speaking--not that big of a deal. i actually feel quite comfortable with speaking in front of crowds. anyway after billy budd i went to chicago with the family. my mother and sister hated it, as they always do. you see they dont get along with my dictator of a grandmother very well. my grandma is homophobic, slightly racist, stubborn to no end, a devoted member of the republican party, supporter of the war, woman that is possibly the most controlling woman i know. yes, i know she sounds horrible. but she is actually very amusing, and if you just laugh at her (best to do it on the inside) you can find a way to manage being with her. the last night (new years eve) my grandma and i made desserts (baked alaska and bannanas foster) and they were sort of good! however she made this horrible "salad" called lime velvet that almost made me start vomiting everywhere. it has green gelatin (aka the lettuce), celery, pineapple chunks, cream cheese, and whipped cream. yeahhhhh. so anyway 2005 was fine, it wasnt especially life changing, although i always think that at new years. my siblings and i were the only ones up till midnight and it was really nice just sitting in my grandparents living room with claire matt and ryan and just talking and laughing. we all have such different points in our lives it is rare that we just hang out together. 2005 however was a year of solid friendships. i became better friends with the people i wanted to, and got a pretty solid "group" of people that i absolutely adore. claire read my tarrot cards for this new year, so maybe i'll post that and we can follow along and see if its right for each month.

january: ok so i dont really know when gypsy was, but i'll go ahead and put it in january (they all blur together for me now). gypsy was so fun, even though my job was sort of fake. i liked jeff during it for a few weeks, its always funny to like someone who you once liked a long time ago (like in 9th grade?) anyway i did the boys makeup and followed kate around. it was actually really fun, i am so excited to work on all my sons (asming!!) during this month i also fell further in love with a beautiful boy that works in starbucks, zachary. he came out during his break and talked with me for like 35 minutes. anyway he's ONLY 21, and single, and not a college drop out (like i originally thought)-and i am madly madly in love. also--i drive myself to school now! yay! no more of gianna beeping outside, waiting for me to get my ass into her car. i was mad at her a lot for yelling at me about being slow but now i kind of get it (because matt has taken that slow place). but yeah, i'm finally a big girl. so something else i decided in january (or maybe it was early febuary?) that i should tell john. ive gotten to a point where liking him causes more problems than it does happiness. anyway thats the short story of i'm telling him so i can move on with my life and stop thinking about that fuck head. anyway who knows when this will happen, hopefully this week--if he stops trying to avoid it, and if i stop being scared. also claire changed to scripps which is nice for me because i get to see her a lot more, and i've even driven up a few times. she's having a little bit of a hard time because she's coming in mid semester and all, but i'm sure it will get better. so january has been a long paragraph but the last piece of news is we randomly bought a house in mammoth. it is really pretty and i am verrrry excited about pretending i'm on the oc and going up there with my friends

Febuary: yayyy last month. ok so during febuary i had semi formal! it was i think the best semi formal i've had so far. i had a dress i loved, and i was in a limo with people i loved (me ali lizzy elisa sara lauren gianna jeff brian john matt jp peter michael). it was masquerade themed and there were booths with fortune tellers and things outside. i danced a lot and talked and had so much fun. at the end there were like three or four songs in a row that i knew all the words to, i think barbie girl, baby got back and love shack? maybe? anyway it was amazing and we were like the last ones on the dance floor, i was slow dancing with matt and elisa was slow dancing with peter and was mouthing things to me over his shoulder (none of which i could understand). anyway afterwards we went laser tagging, and even though i thought i'd be amazing, it turns out i'm quite bad at it. our team lost, and the team we created to lose won all three rounds...bastards. but the sleep over was so fun, although i fell asleep only ten minutes into Clue.

on a much less happy note, a few days before semi formal matt silverman killed himself. i'm not sure what i can really say about this that will do justice to the thoughts that went through my head when i found out--but it really shook me up. ive had a lot of experiences with people i love being depressed, it all just felt too close to home. it was a very surreal situation and all the seniors and teachers kept saying "there's nothing anyone could have done" which only made me feel worse. it made it seem like he was hopeless, like he was depressed and he was going to kill himself no matter what. i know thats not what they meant, but it just came off as a way to take the blame off of us.

anyway i had my choir preformance tonight which was fun, i asked mr d to be my bff and he was confused, i think he thought i was asking him to be my boyfriend. i'm so excited for heritage, i love all of these bonding opportunities (college trip, lock in, heritage, prom etc). i'm a little worried about the whole prom situation, but i'm trying to not worry and hope it all magically works itself out. so this post has been very very long, but at least now i can post more often because i dont feel like i have to catch you all up on my life. awesome.

la-la-la

2006-02-15T21:43:00.000-08:00

2005-11-21T22:21:00.000-08:00

i really don't have time to type, but i had so much fun today! i had my locker wrapped, cake from sara and yearbook, dinner with my family and i've been sung happy birthday like 6 times! and now i have seven little cousins at my house running and screaming and not letting me do homework! yesss!

edge of seventeen

2005-11-19T18:56:00.000-08:00

two more days until i am no longer a sixteen year old. it's hard for me to actually believe i'm going to be seventeen. i was reading over old blog posts, specifically the one i made on my birthday last year. i kept saying how different this year would be, what a more mature person i would become when i turned sixteen. i remember thinking that in this year i would do all of the "teenager stuff" that i hadn't done before. i thought i would have a boyfriend, go to parties where i actually drink alcohol, try drugs, and get my license. well, at least i've accomlished one of those-which i am very proud of (even though i failed the first time). but the thing is, even though i may not appear to be completely changed, and i may not seem any more experienced than i was last year, i have changed in ways that can't be seen. i feel more comfortable with myself now than i ever have before. i feel more confident and self assured. i also have a group of friends that are some of the most compassionate, intelligent and funny people that i've ever met. they have made me feel less alone, and they give me something to look forward to every day. you've made highschool not only bearable, but fun. it may be the fact that i am completely hoarse and on like 6 different medications (including my steroids) that has made me so sentimental, but it really has been an honor to spend the past few years with you guys. and instead of predicting what will happen in this next year, for once i am going to try and enjoy what's happening right now.

2005-11-14T16:08:00.000-08:00

so i'm sorry about my vagueness, but elisa-i'm pretty sure it's not just a phase.

This people's got it

2005-11-13T21:14:00.000-08:00

well, i never thought this would happen again. it's weird, the feeling is so comfortable, so familiar--but that was ninth grade! how could it come back? i keep thinking maybe it's just a phase, which with me is very possible-but if it's not, what is going to happen, what the hell am i going to do?

out like a light

2005-10-25T21:21:00.000-07:00

ok i believe most of the people reading this knows already, so i can finally post about this. for those of you that don't know, i found out (a little over a year ago) that i have a half sister. it was weird, the way i found out-my mom took me and ryan with her to visit carolyn and the chinese cousins in san fransisco. one night she told ryan to sleep over at my aunt's house and i went back to the hotel with her. it was kind of a crappy hotel, but it was close to her house, and it had a pool (which at that time was a requirement of ryan's). i remember i was sitting at the little table in the room, and she sat down with me and seemed really worried. she said she had to tell me something important. my stomach tied up in a knot, i didn't like the idea of my mom telling me bad news. "i didnt just take you up here to visit carolyn...there's another reason i brought you with me." For some reason i immediately thought my parents were getting a divorce, i dont know why, it doesnt even make sense-it's not like san fransisco is the only place you can get divorced in. she said no, that wasnt it. it's weird, my next guess was "do you have another child here or something?" i know that sounds fake, why would someone guess that randomly (i'm blaming all the 7th heaven shows i've watched), but i was right. she explained what happened, she was only 19. she couldnt bring herself to have an abortion so she wanted to give it up for adoptions. it was at the beginning of her first year of college. her parents sent her away to live with some uncle she didn't know very well. i cant even imagine what that'd be like. it's not that her parents are bad people, but they're scared people, and they are so closed minded. i guess they thought this was something my mom (and their family) should be ashamed about. that feeling kind of rubbed off on my mom, and even today she feels horrible about it. my dads not very supportive of it, i guess he feels threatened by it, or embarassed to let people know. but when he's embarassed or scared, he ends up just being angry. no one on my dad's side knows about her-- heather that is. not my grandma or grandpa or any of the my dad's siblings. all my mom's sisters know (obviously) but none of their kids know. i know some of you are wondering why it took me so long to tell you guys this. but the thing is, ever since i found out (which wasnt that long ago), i've been sworn to secrecy. no one is supposed to know. RYAN found out a month ago, and he's my brother! i didnt tell people this in any particular order. it was basically just who was there when i felt like i had to tell someone. sometimes it kind of came up, i know it doesnt seem like it'd come up, but all that talk of cookies really makes it hard not to tell... anyway this has become a really long post, but if any of you have any questions or anything, i'll prbably answer them. oh yeah and sooner or later i'll post a picture of her.

Johanna's 10-Step Guide to Flirting

2005-10-14T21:23:00.000-07:00

Caution: If you choose to read this, please take into consideration that this is not a joke, it will work, and boys will soon be swarming your house to see you. You have been warned.

1) Ignore him. When you see him in the hallways, don't say hi, look the other way, or better yet, say hi to someone else. If he's sitting alone at a table, sit by yourself at another table. Boys love to be treated like they don't exist, it's very enticing.

2) Name drop. If you know he's in hearing distance, start talking about a band you know he likes. Say something like "the other day I was at this Bright Eyes concert! It was amazing!" Then if he tries to talk to you about it get really angry and offended and yell "Geez could you be any nosier??! That was a PRIVATE conversation!" He won't do THAT again!

3) Always act like you're having the best time without him. Laugh histerically as you're talking to someone, it can be anyone really, a teacher, a friend, even a small child. Whatever you're saying make it sound super interesting. Bulge your eyes out and be really expressive with your face. Then when you're done laugh for about three minutes. The person you're talking to might be a little confused, but believe me it's worth it.

4) Be kind of mean, mock him a little bit. He might seem like he's offended when you tell him he has worn the same shirt three days in a row, but really he's thinking "God I love how she teases me like this!"

5) Stare at him when he's not looking, then when he turns to look at you glance away really quickly. If he ever says anything about it, look at him really oddly and reply "You are egotistical! I was obviously looking at Billy-he sits behind you!" He will feel like a moron, making him wish even more that he was the one you were staring at.

6) If you're talking to a group of people and he's there, try to talk to every person except him. Go around the circle to say something to each one of them, act very interested, you can even give them a pat on the back if you like. He may feel neglected, but next time perhaps he will try and talk to you!

7) Talk about other boys you like. Even if it's a boy who's kind of ugly, a little fat, and very boring-talk about him as if he is a god! You may think "doesn't this just make him feel badly about himself, or think I'm a weirdo?" Well it might seem that way, but really this just make him jealous, which as we all know leads to true love.

8) Hang around where you think he will be, wait near his lockers, sit where you know he sits, but if he comes over don't make conversation, completely ignoring him is best.

9) Always have somewhere to go. If he tries to approach you, or ask you a question, act like you have somewhere very important to go to! You don't want to risk things getting awkward, so it's much better to get out while you still can.

10) Flirt with other boys, when you know he's watching. This goes along with Step #7, but it's a more direct way for making him jealous. Hug boys you have no interest in hugging. Giggle and put your hand on their arm, just whatever you do, do not notice or flirt with him at all!

And finally remember that if you take any of this advice you are a complete moron, because while I can't seem to stop following these rules, I'm sure there is still hope for you.

do your jiggy mama till the break of dawn

2005-10-12T20:35:00.002-07:00

these are from colorado--we each took like 5 pictures of ourselves, these were the best from each

the long road to insanity

2005-10-06T22:20:00.000-07:00

i've started talking to myself in the car. i'm one of those people you see when you're at a red light. you know the ones, they look a little frazzled (just a nice way of saying CRAZY) and they're talking about something really enthusiastically, and you think "well that's nice, they seem really interested in whatever they're saying"--that is until you realize there is no one there! anyway that's what i've become, a crazy driver that talks to herself...

meet captain pig

2005-10-04T13:34:00.000-07:00

i feel so far from where i've been

2005-10-04T11:31:00.000-07:00

i woke up this morning expecting the dull residue of last night to still be pounding in my head. but the moment i opened my eyes i could feel the cool air brush against my vulnerable skin, i wanted to savor that moment forever. i was so full of nostalgia that i didnt get up for an hour, too scared that moving might scare it away. it smelt like autumn-it's a feeling you don't get here in los angeles much. the leaves don't change, the temperature barely drops, there aren't any pumpkin patches to go to. but today, here it was-my old friend. today i was back there, back in connecticut, in my childhood-i could breath in the crisp air and snuggle into my sheets for warmth. my dad left for work and i felt like a little girl again. he told me to have a great day and i told him i would. a day where i had no pressures or responsiblity-no one was counting on me for anything, my only expectation was to have fun, and i intended to do just that. sometimes when i feel so overwhelmed with life, with friends, with school-i let myself slip back into this place. it's like a warm blanket that cradels me until i fall asleep, when no one else is there to kiss me goodnight. i dont feel sad or anxious anymore. there's no more worry. and for a brief moment i am free.

2005-09-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

I just woke up from a really bizarre dream. I was going to chicago with claire to meet the rest of my family. we were going to look at houses because we were considering moving there (that part is not so bizarre). when claire and i got to the airport, instead of boarding a plane we boarded a river of sorts. it was kind of like how bags go on that black movey thing, except we were on it-and it was filled with water. it moved really quickly, and i was just trying to stay on. then suddenly we were outside, we were way above buldings and cars and everything, it's like we were flying with this watery slide. then i started seeing spanish billboards and people were all speaking spanish and i saw an exit sign for "costa rica". i really wanted to get off, but i knew i had to meet everyone in chiago. claire and i had this aligator floaty we were using, and then this other girl behind us said she needed it and took it from us. anyway we finally got to chicago (actually we floated right on into the house my parents were looking at) and i walked into the house. it was crappy and small, there was barely any kitchen at all, only one stove top burner. every room was small and cramped until we came into the living room, which was huge! i dont see why anyone would need that much space, but nonetheless they had it. all the wood was breaking off, but my parents kept saying we'd fix it up. i was really upset and i hated the house, and suddenly the rush of water i had been riding on all day came into the house and washed it all away. then i woke up. weird? yeah...

just a shell

2005-09-21T18:20:00.000-07:00

nothing feels right anymore. i'm not happy or excited about anything, i have no desire to wake up in the mornings. in fact it's more than a lack of wanting--it's a complete and utter hatred for where i'm about to go--school. i used to have bad days once in a while, i used to get nervous before a test and anxious when i had a lot of work. but it's different now, now every day is a bad day, i am anxious about everything. i can't sleep, i have no time to eat, i cant stop crying, i cant stop hating everything i've become and everything i'm doing. i dont want to go to school to see friends, because i cant even seem to get along with then anymore. i can feel myself turning into something that disgusts me, i can feel how annoying i am getting and how people dont want to be around me anymore. hell, i dont want to be around me anymore. i dont want to hate my life this much, but it seems there's nothing i can do. every way i turn, every decision i make blows up in my face--i disspoint everyone, especially myself. i can't reach the goals i set, not even close. i wish there were a way out of this hell.

2005-09-13T19:25:00.000-07:00

i'm so incredibly stressed out right now. i have a math and spanish quiz to make up, puritan packets to read, apes homework to catch up on, a decision to make on whether or not to change spanish classes and i feel like crap! i can hardly breathe and i have such a bad headache---i already need a break from all this stress!!!

2005-09-11T22:00:00.000-07:00

well look who learned how to put pictures on their blog

2005-09-07T22:37:00.000-07:00

is it a bad sign that on the second day of school my back is aching from carrying books around and i'm really stressed out?

they say that all good things must end some day

2005-09-06T19:06:00.000-07:00

school has begun, summer is over. while i had a good summer, i'm actually happy to be back. not so much about the stress of tests and quizzes but to see my friends everyday. this summer i saw most of my closest friends, but it's my "school friends" that i missed. the ones you talk to in classes and see in the hallways, but dont call up over the break. anyway here is how each of my classes went:
A-math with ms torre! she seemed pretty nice, plus everyone (isaac, lizzy, brian etc.) says she is amazing. i think it will be a good year for mathh--especially if ali joins my class!
B-Spanish-mr gannon is insanely funny, ali (natalia) is in it with me, so i have no doubt it will be a great year en espanol
C-english--i was so freaked out to go to creasy's class, but she actually seems pretty good, as elisa said she made it seem like we were going on a quest this year. plus it seems like we'll be doing a lot of fun non-englishy things like listening to jazzzzzz and having photo projects etc etc --the only thing is we are supposed to stay on top of our reading this year....yeah something to work on
D-yearbook--very yearbooky, we will have a lot of photo assignments and i will have to get used to sitting on the floor at every assembly. yay!
E-APES-ms redman is crazy and there are a lot of seniors in it, but peter is in it and stevie is in it (yes ali i know how jealous you are) so it should be funnnn
F-CONCERT SINGERS!!! i am sooo excited for CS, i have gianna, elisa, brian, vera, jeff, RUDY,andy and a bunch of other people in my class, not to mention we will be going to new orleans/chicago
G-freeeeee track--i was going to switch out and not have a free but it actually has a lot of good people: jeff, lauren, john, hannah. i dont think i'll get that much work done, but that's not really what a free track is about anyway...right?

alright i have to go knit hats because i have to get 25 hours of community service before this friday in order to get benefacta...

to an old friend

2005-09-05T14:38:00.000-07:00

dear marta,
you're leaving tomorrow, gone to france for the next month. you said you're scared to go, scared you won't make it, scared you'll miss all of us too much. well my dear, i'm not worried about you at al. you are such a strong person, such an optomist and most of all such a good friend. i just came back from your surprise going away party (you really were quite surprised). i didnt think i'd be that emotional, in fact i wasnt until i had to say goodbye. marta, you were my first best friend-at least the first best friend that stuck. i remember the first time i saw you, you were wearing this neon green go-go dress--and i couldnt help but think "this girl is insane". well you were, and are, and i wouldnt have it any other way. you have become such a big part of me, you really shaped the person i am today. it's hard to think that you're leaving, that i won't be able to call you whenever i want-or come over to your house (which over the years has become my house). i keep trying to remember all the things we've done together, but there are too many things to remember. i didnt think i'd cry when, but when you hugged me goodbye it was like hugging my sister--you really are a sister to me. i know you will have an amazing time in france, and i'm sure you will meet tons of french boys that will fall in love with you-but don't forget to call once in a while, you know i'll be waiting by the phone every night until you do. i'll miss you so much, you mean the world to me. i love you,
joey

2005-09-04T12:29:00.000-07:00

i've been watching the hurricaine katrina news a lot lately. i can't seem to take my eyes off the screen, it's all so tragic. it's weird to look at those pictures and think "this is the country we live in". it seems like all of those people dying in the streets must live in some far off country, not in america. anyway i was thinking (if someone else isnt already doing it) that we should start some sort of collection at brentwood. i figure since millions of people are without homes, they could use almost anything. we could collect clothes, books, money, letters--anything really. anyway i'm going to do some more research and call some of the different foundations that are helping and see what they need. if anyone is interested in doing this with me, i would be more than happy to have help (cough cough elisa).

where is my mind?

2005-09-03T22:35:00.000-07:00

it's making me sick how much i think about him. how easily he can make me want him again. i'm crazy, i know that-i know he doesnt like me, i know it will never happen. but the thing is, i can't get over him. i think i am after not seeing him for a few months, i just kept thinking everything i ever felt about him was over. but i cant get him out of my mind, i cant stop seeing his face, hearing him tell me what i've been waiting to hear since ninth grade. but it won't happen, it will never happen. i want him so much sometimes i feel like i already have him, like the kiss i imagine him giving me is real. what's wrong with me? i just dont get it, why won't he like me? i feel like there must be some horrible flaw that i have that people arent telling me about. please tell me what's wrong with me, somebody. i feel so helpless, i just want to let myself give up on him-why can't i? i dont even know if it's him i want anymore.

2005-08-28T11:46:00.000-07:00

so i realized i havent posted about this yet--but on august 26th (two days ago) i got my license!!! i am so excited to finally be able to drive, and very proud that i only got 3 points off. even though my parents still dont trust me driving-at least the dmv does.

2005-08-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

hello kiddies! i'm going to colorado in a few hours and i won't be back until saturday. i've only read about 110 pages of Huck Finn, but hopefully i will finish it by the time i come back. also i'm changing my blog address because i think one of my cousins now knows what it is--so if you want to know it and read my blog then make a comment just saying your name and i'll give it to you. have a fun week!

pinkies up

2005-08-11T12:20:00.000-07:00

Miss Elizabeth Pace and Miss Johanna Cronin (moi) will be hosting a small dinner soirée on Friday, August 12th. You are all invited to attend, it will take place at Johanna's house, at approximately 6 pm. Lizzy and I will be preparing the food, which will no doubt be incredible (okay, well there's some doubt). It is going to be very gourmet, so you'd better not miss it!

schedule

2005-08-06T18:30:00.000-07:00

i got my schedule yesterday, and so far i dont have classes with isaac, lizzy, brian, elisa, gianna or kate. i'm hoping i have some with ali, but i'm trying to not get my hopes up. so here's my schedule and if any of you have classes with me, pleaaaase tell me because:
A--precalculus--ms torre
B--honors spanish 4--mr gannon
C--honors american lit.--ms creasy
D--yearbook--ms kohn
E--apes--ms redman
F--honors concert singers 3--mr d
G--fre

2005-08-04T20:00:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is my last day of history! only four more hours until freedom! i couldnt be more excited to actually begin my sumer. i cant really write any more now because i am studying for my final, but in 16 hours i hope everyone will congratulate me, isaac, jeff and jane for this incredible accomplishment.

move into the light

2005-08-02T19:15:00.000-07:00

i talked about something with my sister that i've kind of been obsessing over lately. i have never kissed a boy. i am sixteen years old and i've never kissed anyone. i spend so much time feeling badly about this, trying to hide it, having to dodge questions-but i'm sick of it. i dont want to feel badly about myself anymore because i'm inexperienced. i dont want to feel all this pressure to be more experienced or to have a boyfriend, but i do. it's hard because the pressure isnt coming from my friends or from outside sources as much as it's coming from me. i remember in 7th grade i was talking on the phone with lizzy and we were guessing what grade we thought we'd have boyfriends by. she said something like 11th grade or 12th grade, and i remember so distinctly saying "well if i dont get a boyfriend, or at least kiss a boy by the time i turn 17 then that is just pathetic!" I know that i said this when i was thirteen, without any real way of knowing what my life would be like now, but part of me just keeps thinking "pathetic, you're pathetic". and i cant really seem to get that thought out of my head. i decided that to feel ok with myself, i have to make peace with it. i have to somehow find it in myself to just trust that it will happen in its own time, even though my head is telling me it never will. i thought maybe by posting this, freely admitting something i am so incredibly embarassed about, i'd feel better about myself. but the truth is i cant stop thinking about how close i am to failing a goal i made at age thirteen. i was so sure i'd make it.

love's an excuse to get hurt, do you like to hurt?

2005-07-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

"i want to see you" i told him, a little embarassed to admit something i knew was the truth. "i know, i know, i miss you" he replied. There was something i loved about him, or at least about being with him. with him i always felt special, objectified in a way. isn't that awful, to want to be objectified? but i guess when you play one role after a while you want to see what it's like on the other side, and sometimes it feels good. when i'm with him i dont worry about what i say, i dont hope he's feeling the same way-because i dont feel that way. i dont care about him or love him, i dont really have anything in common with him. but i like being with him. i like it that i dont act like myself when i'm around him. sometimes it feels good to touch someone that you know will touch back, and not have emotions mixed in there. i dont worry about getting hurt, i dont worry about other girls-because i know there are other girls with him. and if he's with someone else i wont be upset, if he likes someone else it won't affect me. it's temporary with him, everything he does is just about now. he is foolish and yet brilliant in that way, i could never be like that. i think about consequences, what will happen after i do this, how will this make me feel? but when i'm with him, i dont care. i dont think about the future, i just think about how fun it is to be with someone without any real attatchment.

harry potter, movie crashing and rum-filled coconuts

2005-07-18T19:40:00.000-07:00

so i havent been posting a lot, sorry about that-but it really is my "summer camp's" fault. and by summer camp i of course mean four hours of extremely dull us history, at least one quiz a day, tests on fridays, two finals, and oh yeah... a research paper. it's actually not as bad (at least as not as bad as i thought it would be), probably because isaac and jeff are in my class. and whenever i feel so desperately in need of a break, i just look over at jeff, with his head plopped on his desk, drawing some sort of boxes with some squiggly lines inside (i'm sure they are somehow history related)-or i look at isaac who is either throwing his pen down as if he has just "had it", and drawing big dots all over the page. it really is the little things that get you through the day. so on friday i had quite an eventful day. first i had my history final (yay!), and then i went to see charlie and the chocolate factory with marta and simon. we tried to find jobs at jamba juice, but i was too ashamed to turn mine in with only "babysitter" under work references-so i erased it and wrote "professional child caretaker". marta and simon made fun of me, so i started making fun of simon because he has a low voice now-until i realized that was kind of a "below the belt" kind of move, and i'm certainly not that kind of perons.... after that i went with gianna and lizzy (my poor mouth-crippled friend) to the revelators/naturals. i was kind of worried to go because i thought he might be there. and i thought if i saw him i'd either a) break down, b) try to choke him to death or c) be an asshole and then feel like throwing up the rest of the night (probably the most probable). anyway he wasnt there, so i didnt have to do any of those. the revelators were great, as always, and so were the naturals (even though nick biddle kept his shirt on). unfortunately we had to leave the naturals early so we could go to the HARRY POTTER EXTRAVAGANZA!!! (in the palisades). so we headed over there at like 10-esque and werent ready to go to the party just yet, so we headed to the only place open in the palisades at ten at night--ralphs. lizzy got some ice cream, gianna got carrot cake, and i (claro que si) got the new oprah magazine. so we enjoyed our new treats and then headed over to HP-it was puretttty awesome. there were costume contests and food (hp themed of course) and other funn things. there was a huge line around the block of sleepy eyed children dressed in their wizard hats, smudged scars on their faces, peering through lenseless glasses. finally we got up to the front of the line, i was pretty excited (and had an eye-liner drawn scar on my forehead) and grabbed my book. the photographer for the woman asked to take my picture, and then did not take gianna's (i didnt notice this until she yelled at me after-saying i was not nearly as much of a fan as she was ( which is true) especially since i havent finished the last HP). anyway then saturday night i went to wedding crashers with madame Liz Pac, except being the trickstery tricky girls we are (and also after hearing this from my dad) we bought bewitched tickets and went to the wedding crashers theatre. we actually had to wait in the fantastic four theatre until the guy checking tickets left, then we ran as fast as we could into the theatre-and sat in the front row. despite the fact that from the angle i was sitting half the screen was blurry, and every movement the characters made made we want to vomit-i had an amazing time. it was so much fun, especially with lizzy. after that i went to a party with claire and my dad (for GSN). it was so fun and fancy! when i got there the waiter said to me "i've been waiting for you the whole note" i smiled/looked scared and confused- and said "uh alright, well i'm here..." and hurrily ran off. there were water beds and darts and video games and fire pits and a bar and yeah...awesome. claire and i talked for like an hour and a half to one of the writers of south park!!! he was so funny, and gave me advice on highschool/life. i was thirsty so claire and i went over to the bar. they had these coconuts filled with some sort of white drink, which i thought was very exciting. i quickly drank one of them and ran over to grab another one. when i was half way done with my second, claire tried some and said "wow there's a lot of rum in here". whatt?? it was then that i realized i had no tastebuds at all, because i had not realized that there was any alchohol in them at all. ah well, i guess it explains my extreme friendliness by the end of the night. alright i've been writing for far too long, but i just wanted to give an update. ps you all should watch the show Kenny vs Spenny on GSN (116 on dish) because it is 1) THE funniest show i have EVER seen in my entire life, 2) the writer of south parks new favorite show. 3) i've met the two guys on it, 4) it's on my dad's channel! yay so do watch it (especially lizzy, it's your type of show)

This is the first day of my life, I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you

2005-07-03T14:21:00.000-07:00

i know it seems trivial. heartbreak happens all the time, to all sorts of people. i'm no different, i'm not special. you told me to stop thinking about it, to stop obsessing-but i couldnt. i didnt want to stop thinking about him, thinking about what went wrong-who's fault it could have been. i needed to have two weeks where i spent all my time with a knot in my stomach, not sleeping or thinking about anything but him. you said it wasnt worth it, and maybe you were right. maybe it did more damage than good, but i think i needed to go through it. and i just wanted to thank two people for letting me talk about it hour after hour, no matter how repetative and boring i was getting. lizzy and elisa: im not sure if either of you realizes how much you've meant to me the past month. both of you have been there every second to make me feel better. when i needed someone to blame you'd listen without judgement, you let me cry and yell and you never told me it was too much. i'm still mad, i still cant forget, but i guess you never forget things like this, but at least now i know no matter what happens i'll have people to fall back on. i'm not trying to be melodramatic, i'm not trying to blow things out of proportion-even if it may seem like i am-because to me, in my little world, this almost broke me. and you may not understand it, and you may not want to believe how crushed i felt, but i did. but because of these two people, i dont have that sinking feeling anymore, and little by little my heart is starting to heal. and i owe it all to you.

2005-06-29T17:13:00.000-07:00

i just thought i'd tell everyone, in case you have been trying to call/wanted to know, i took my driving test today, and failed. i've been kind of purposely not picking up the phone, but i figure you'd find out anyway, so i thought i'd just tell you all. i actually hadn't been marked off once during the test until i was turning into the dmv at the end-i had to make a left turn at the light, and it was yellow, and by the time i was in the middle of the intersection it was red. so i got an automatic fail. i wouldnt be so upset if i werent so close, and if i hadnt done so well the rest of the time. oh well. ce la vie.

lie to me

2005-06-20T20:54:00.000-07:00

it started when i found out. i would get this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and no matter which way i moved or how many times i tried to distract myself, i couldnt stop thinking about it. i knew, i know, it's true-but for some reason i can never let myself truly grasp it. i revert back to what i've done my whole life, when something bad happens-i lie to myself. when i wake up and want to cry at two in the morning, i tell myself it's not true-none of it is. it's just a bad dream, he likes me, and all of this will work out perfectly. that's it, now i feel better. the pit is filling in and my heart has stopped beating so quickly. in fact he probably only said that because he thought I would reject HIM, that must be it. what a funny thought, it's never really happened like that but i guess there's a first time for everything. eventually things start making sense again, i start believing these lies, and for a few moments i stop aching.

yearbooks

2005-06-03T13:41:00.000-07:00

"Will you sign my yearbook? Write something long, try to fill up at least half a page. Oh! and don't forget it has to be meaningful and really nice!" Yearbook-signing is such a bizarre time of the year. People run around trying so desperately to get their friends to write something touching. And yet more often than not people end up dissapointed. They can't help but think "i thought we were a lot closer than this!". yearbooks can make you feel loved and adored, but also a little disheartened. i know how it feels, i do the same thing. i want people to sign my yearbook so when i look back in ten years ( or even next week) i can think about all of the people that truly care about me, but this whole idea is ridiculous. what does it matter if someone doesn't sign/does a bad job signing your yearbook? does that really make them any less of your friend? does it mean they dont care about you? i dont know why i care what people write in it, i guess it just kind of solidifies relationships you felt unstable about, or maybe just assures you that she cares about you just as much as you care about her. but the funny thing is, i only really cared about what one person wrote in mine, not because i dont like my other friends, but because i already know that we are close and we wont stop being friends. i know that these are the people that i wont lose touch with after highschool, so i dont need that reassurance. but the one person i did want to write something amazingly nice didn't, not that it was mean, just not what i had wanted (although i dont know how realistic that would've been anyway). anyway this post kind of went in circle (circumlocution! yay!), but finally i just wanted to say after being slightly dissapointed by what someone wrote in mine, i decided i will try to be as nice and sincere in all of the signings i do in the future, because i know what it feels like to look forward to that and then be crushed when you read something far less than you expected.

i want a lover i dont have to love

2005-05-28T17:50:00.000-07:00

i've been here before. i've felt that, anxious, paranoid-wanting someone so badly but knowing you'll never have him. i can't let myself think he could like me, because i've done that, and it hurt. i've thought there was a chance, but there never really was, and i can feel myself slipping back into hope. i know hope seems like a good thing, it keeps people going-but every time i hope i end up destroyed. i dont want to care about him, i dont want to look forward to seeing him, or to scan the room looking for his face. i dont want to worry that he likes someone else, or that someone else likes him. i can't talk when i'm with him, i become shy and nervous and that's not supposed to happen to me. a boy shouldnt be able to do that to you. but he does. and i'm sick of falling asleep seeing his face, or losing a night of sleep because of dreams where he tells someone else he likes them. i dont want to want him this much, unless he wants me.

agotado=drained

2005-05-25T17:05:00.000-07:00

i havent posted in so long i have a lot to talk about, most of it is just things that have happened recently. well for one i got into honors concert singers. i didnt really care which one i got into, i just wanted to be with my friends-and i am in most of them. i cant wait for concert singers next year-it's such a good group and we're going to new orleans!
the seniors left last week, although i've seen most of them every day so it still feels like they're here. it's weird because this is the first year i've really been sad they were leaving. last year i only really knew parisa and i was sad, but more in a women's choir wont be the same way, i didnt actually know her that well. but this year i'm really going to miss a lot of them. i am actually friends with them and school will be so sad without jd michael and adam. when i was in women's choir last wednesday the seniors were talking about how much they would miss us, and how much women's choir meant to them. they were all crying and you know how whenever someone else starts crying, i cant help but cry too-so elisa and i were crying and gianna was not (because she does not have emotions :) and we went to find michael and gave him a hug. i feel like i'm running out of time and if i blink i might be in my last week of my senior year, going off to college. i guess it's really never the same once you leave, i mean you can come home to visit, but you have a new home-or at least another one.
thanks to kate, i had to work on the middle school play. i thought it was going to be time consuming and dull (especially since i had heard how bad it was) but it ended up being amazing. firstly, i found out my hidden talent for hitting the button "go" when told to do so. i also got a headset, which was exciting since i could talk to 5 people who were in different places at the same time! impressive, i know. i'd like to do tech next year-if i dont get into the musical, even if he doesnt do it this time, although that did make it even more fun. oy i have officially become lizzy, i am so paranoid about if he likes someone or when other girls like him (not that any do...that i know of)-it's kind of making me sick, i shouldnt care this much. i dont even know why i like him, i mean he's weird, he's really not that nice to me, he swears a lot and most of the time just confuses me. but when i'm around him i cant concentrate on anyone else. i just want to be with him, next to him. but i also dont want to go anywhere near him, i cant tell him-i think at this point if i was rejected one more time i'd just break.
alright well i will try and post more often, but i cant gaurentee any more posts until summer, because i'm so stressed out right now and i'm just focusing on passing all of my classes.

Dear God

2005-05-03T19:20:00.000-07:00

I know I ask you for a lot. practically everyday i ask for something. but this time it's different. it's bigger now, i'm not asking for an A on a test, i'm not asking for him to like me-i just want you to make her better. i need her, you know that. she's the best person i've ever known and she's in pain. i just need her so much. i need her advice and wisdom. i need her humor and her funny little dances. i can't promise i wont be asking for anything ever again if you do this, but if you do help her i will try and be a better person. that sounds so pathetic doesnt it, but i really will. i'll do anything-just make it better, make her better. please please please i love her too much to see her hurting.

2005-04-28T22:11:00.000-07:00

While i was sitting in chemistry today, not listening, i was thinking about him. i kept saying to myself "i should just give up now, he doesn't like me-he'll never like me". and i realized that that is exactly how i treat everything. with every single boy i've ever liked, i have always set myself up to lose before i even try. i dont know why i do it, but i know i havent always. i havent always been so insecure or self conscious. in fact i used to be the exact opposite. i remember up until about fourth grade i was so outgoing. i was always the main one talking in class, i wasn't shy or worried about what anyone thought of me. in fact i pretty much thought i was hot shit most of the time. something happened, i remember when we moved here i was in ms. seligman's class and suddenly i stopped asking questions, i stopped being confident. i kept thinking that i would go back to how i normally was the next year, but i never did. there were such strict clicks at brentwood, i just didnt get it. every girl liked a boy in the peter, preston, shaun group and every guy liked a girl in the judy, ashley, kristina group. the rest of us were just left with nothing. my first year i told tommy i liked him. i know it might seem brave, just moving here and telling a boy that, but it wasnt. i mean i used to think it was, but i didnt even really tell him. i left an anonymous love note with one of my friends (just about everyone was in love with tommy in 4th grade). i couldnt tell him in person, i couldnt even tell him my name. for the first time ever, i felt embarassed to be myself. two years later i told shaun i liked him. it was online. i didnt really like him, but that's not the point. i remember i sent him an IM saying something like "i know you dont like me but i jsut wanted you to know i like you" and then signed off. i didnt want to stay on to here his response, i knew he didnt like me, he couldnt like someone like me. last year i told matt, well more like mattias told matt. i've set myself up to lose for so long i've forgotten what it feels like to believe in yourself. it makes me want to cry thinking about this, that someone could be so self conscious and not even realize it. but i cant do it to myself anymore. this time will be different, and for once i think he would be the lucky one to have me. i dont know if he will like me, but i'm going to stop telling myself there's no chance he will. i have to start believing there's a chance for there to actually be one.

I need some meaning I can memorize

2005-04-27T17:36:00.000-07:00

At least before we were together. At least before we were all sad. We were all missing out. We were naive and craved this thing we thought we'd never get. We were lonely and desperate, but we felt the same. It was comforting that even if I didn't have it, neither did they. it's not like that anymore. they all have someone, or could have someone. they aren't lonely or sad anymore. they dont wish they had someone to love them, because they do. i want to keep saying it will happen for me too. any day now, he's going to realize it and i will be just like them. everything will disapear and this hole in my heart will start filling in. but i dont know if i can believe that anymore. i can't give up-i wish i could, it would make it so much easier. i wish i had lost all hope, but i can't. i want someone more thann anything. i just want to be wrapped up in his arms, i want him to care about me, look at me the way everyone else gets looked at. it just feels like the more i want him, the further away he gets.

why is my life so uneven?

2005-04-18T20:08:00.000-07:00

i know i havent posted in a while. it's just, i really have nothing i want to say. i feel so empty i can't really explain it. i have no desire to do homework or study, and as a result i just havent. i am sick of everyone, mostly myself. just a few weeks ago i was happy, i didnt realize it then, but i was. everything was great in almost every aspect of my life, but now it's all changed. everyone has, and while for some it might be for the better-it has all made me just really really depressed. i'd like to say that more eloquently but i dont really care. i have nothing i'm looking forward to, no one i can't wait to see the next day. i'm just existing in my increadibly uneven life.

What time is mr. fox? LUNCH TIME!!!

2005-03-30T16:40:00.000-08:00

I got there about an hour late, complaining about how sore I was from yoga. Moping because I didnt have a boyfriend. Feeling guilty because I hadn't started wuthering heights. Full of angst and anguish in my teenagedom, I felt no more relaxed during break than I had during school. I walked up the stairs and opened Kate's door. Kate and Ali were plopped on the floor watching 7th grade Barmitzvah music videos we were in. We laughed at how ridiculous it all was, how Kate could never turn around to sing her part (Ken's part) on time, how uninhibited we were then, just a few years ago. I got a little pit in my stomache, the kind you get when you feel like you've lost something that you know you can never find again. For me it was that little kid spirit, my innocence, how naive and gullible we all were. I wasn't jaded back then, I was shocked and excited by anything and everything. I was a kid. I missed that, and I guess so did Kate and Ali. We made a pact that for that day, just for a few hours, we would be ten years old again. We would run carelessly through the streets, climb trees, kick up the sand, fall down, scraping our knees and get back up only to fall down again. We were acting, and we knew it, but it came back so naturally. It felt right, I was happy and carefree. I didn't have that ache I usually have. I wasn't worried. It was me five years ago, and it felt good. It was exactly what I needed for everything to finally make sense again.

empty

2005-03-13T09:32:00.000-08:00

everything's been a little hazy later, either that or too clear. all aspects of my life have come into focus, and i can't bare it. i've been really sad the past few days. i want to write exactly what's going on, but i can't. if i told anyone, i wouldn't be the only one hurt. i feel like i've just been sinking lately, i dont want this to be going on, but i can't help it--sometimes no matter how much you dont want to feel it you just do. and it's killing me. sometimes i can barely stand up without feeling as if i'm going to fall over. i dont know what i can do, or if there are any options at all. i know i'm being vague, and i want to stop talking around the issue, but i can't. i guess that's what you get with a blog, some blur of feelings without any real point. this post was supposed to be an explanation, i'm sorry it was so pointless.

Es de Lizzy

2005-03-07T19:18:00.000-08:00

1). YOUR PORN STAR NAME - (NAME OF FIRST PET + STREET YOU LIVE ON): Endora La Cumbre

2). YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME - (GRANDMOTHER'S FIRST NAME + FAVORITE SNACK FOOD): Claire Cheerio

3). YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME - (FIRST WORD YOU SEE ON YOUR LEFT + FAVORITE RESTAURANT): Chocolat Sakura

4). YOUR FOREIGN NAME - (FAVORITE SPICE GIRL + LAST FOREIGN VACATION SPOT): Emma Dublin

5). YOUR SOCIALITE NAME - (SILLIEST CHILDHOOD NICKNAME + FIRST TOWN WHERE YOU PARTIED): Kid Westport (how awesome is that??!)

6). YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME - (FIRST INITIAL + FIRST THREE LETTERS OF YOUR LAST NAME: J Cro

7). YOUR DETECTIVE NAME - (FAVORITE ANIMAL + NAME OF HIGH SCHOOL): Chick Brentwood (I'd be a shitty detective)

8). YOUR BARFLY NAME - (LAST SNACK FOOD YOU ATE + YOUR FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK): Pumpkin Wine

9). YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME - (MIDDLE NAME + STREET WHERE YOU FIRST LIVED): Marie Woodside

10). YOUR ROCK STAR NAME - (FAVORITE CANDY + FAVORITE MUSICIAN'S LAST NAME): Chocolate Bowie

11. YOUR "POPULAR" NAME - (FAVORITE CELEBRITY'S FIRST NAME + STREET YOU LIVE OFF OF): Kate Chataqua (it's not important that i can't spell the street i live off of)

12). YOUR OPPOSITE SEX NAME - (NAME OF [OPPOSITE SEX] + CELL PHONE COMPANY YOU USE): Max Verison

Better late than never

2005-03-04T11:14:00.000-08:00

I realized I had never posted about semi-formal, and even though it's a few weeks late, i figured i'd do it now. So I guess I should start from the beginning. It was pouring rain, my hair was freshly curled, and we were late, as usual. We got to brian's house and took pictures for an hour. It seemed there were thirty pictures taken for each pose we were in. We finally left to get into our limo, with a train of dad's holding umbrellas leading the way. We got to semi formal a little too early, the only other people there was a table of freshman. There was a mariachi band playing and fiesta decorations everywhere. The theme was not great but for part of the night I practiced my espanol while talking to elisa, who takes japanese. people finally started arriving and the dj started playing music. they actually played a lot of music from the nineties (yay for aqua). I danced for most of the night, only stopping to rest my feet (they wouldn't let us take our shoes off!) At about ten they brought out dessert and Gianna and I were excited to see that they had creme brulee, until we realized it was flan, very very bad flan. The dance ended and we got ready for part two of the night--in and out! There was a huge rush to the elevators (see lizzy's "lost" pictures of me), but eventually lizzy, elisa, sara and I got pushed into one. It took about an hour for the rest of our limo to come down, so we took pretended Lizzy's shawl was a blanket (until we realized it had gum on it) and took a series of "scared, innocent, lost and cold" pictures. They of course were excellent. Finally we all got into the limo and took off to In and out where we stuffed our faces with hamburgers, french fries and milkshakes-all at midnight. After elisa left for her debate we all headed over to midnight bowling! It was awesome and the blacklights made everything white glow, including certain pieces of tape. I somehow managed to come in third (yes WITHOUT bumpers). Jeff was first and Isaac was second (despite what he might try and tell you he did not lose because of lizzy and me, but because of a lack of talent). We headed back to the casa de gianna and watched airplane (which i did not fall asleep in, it was only a cat nap). JP drove over at about 4 in the morning. We finally got to sleep and woke up to find gianna's mom making us pancakes! yummm. everyone started to leave and my parents were once again the last to pick me up, even though I live the closest to Gianna.
I had such a good time and it made me realize how lucky I am to have such amazing friends.
(I would put my pictures up but unfortunately I'm not as technically advanced as Lizzy)

If I can just hold on tonight...

2005-02-26T18:31:00.000-08:00

I was trying to clear through old things i have saved on my computer, when I came across all of these old posts. They were the posts i never put on this blog (i have a lot of them). i remember thinking they were either to personal or they'd tell someone something i didnt want them to know. anyway i figured i'd post one of them until i can actually write a new one. here is one of them....
I sat there, looking blankly at the stage. Pretending to be interested in what the actors had to stay, trying to intensely to look affected. It’s arrogant I guess to assume it's me he's looking at during all this. That’s the joke, we're always so self-conscious about in front of people we want to impress-why is it we're so convinced it's us they're looking at? All I could think about was his arm. It was touching mine; I kept trying to press it harder, without it being obvious or weird. I wondered if he noticed my arm was there. I think about him so much and yet it's so hard to admit that I like him. I keep thinking, despite all logic, maybe he likes me. He pressed back. Try not to look too elated. I know he likes her but I cant stop hoping someday he'll like me. Until now all I can do is press his arm a little harder.

What I'm sure you've all been waiting for...

2005-02-16T16:25:00.000-08:00

Here's a list of 100 things about me! I'm sure you will all be very sick of me by the end of this, but here it is:
1) my dad calls me joey tire-bighter after some sort of radio show about a dog named joey that chased cars and bit the tires
2) i used to live in connecticut, and sometimes i daydream about living there when i'm older
3) i had kidney surgery when i was little and will possibly have to have it again when I'm older
4) i also had menengitus and almost died
5) i also had to wear braces on my legs for a year because my legs were crooked or something
6) i get sick every other week-in fact i'm sick now! (thank you lizzy sara and isaac)
7) i used to go skinny dipping in the winter in connecticut
8) i'm scared of ghosts, i swear i saw one when i was like six
9) the first horror movie i ever watched was "the witches", even the ring hasn't scared me as much as that movie did
10) My first concert was with wierd al yancovich
11) I read oprah magazines, and i'm not embarassed to admit i love them
12) i've been told i look like several celebrities although none are that exciting
13) for a while i was convinced i had some disease, so i made my mom take me to the doctor and get a blood test, i was fine
14) i have a birth mark on my finger, in 2nd grade someone thought it was marker, i was so mad that they wouldn't believe i had a birth mark i attempted to scrub it off in front of them so they'd see it wouldn't wash off--they still wouldnt believe me
15) i used to be obsessed with dog breeds....i'm not exactly sure why-i thought i was really impressive that i knew all of their names
16) i've never had short hair, or bangs
17) i have never kissed a boy
18) i've never been in love, but i've liked a boy like 86%
19) the first boy i ever told that i liked him was tommy grogan-in 4th grade-i wrote him a love note and left it on his desk
20) the second was shaun gordon, i dont think i'd ever talked to him
21) the third was matt bernstein, although i didnt actually tell him by choice (thank you mattias)
22) the fourth is too recent to mention
23) i think about love more than i'd like to say, i guess i'm a hopeless romantic-but i try to hide it
24) i used to have a bird that i named "endora" after the evil aunt on bewitched, thinking naming the bird a mean character's name would have the reverse affect on it-the bird turned out to actually be mean
25) i named my next bird "angel"
26) when i was younger i really wanted a little sister, so i dressed up ryan and named him "ruby"-we took pictures and a few months ago he found one and burned it.... luckily there are copies
27) i like dancing in my room
28) i dont tan, i burn
29) which is why i'm really white
30) i used to play soccer, only when i got tired i'd sit down in the middle of the field-aparently soccer coaches dont like that
31) i used to play volleyball, only i never actually played, so i quit
32) i used to fence, only fencing is stupid, so i quit
33) i used to play basketball, only it was too confusing, so i quit
34) i still play tennis! yay for not quitting!
35)i used to be obsessed with wedding magazines (ok that might not be a "used to")
36) i recently realized i am not a horrible bowler
37) i knit, and i'm not a grandmother
38) chickens are scary
39) although i used to hatch chicks, which are a lot less scary when they're little
40) i love speaking in spanish, some may find this annoying, i am still going to do it
41) i've had best friends and been considered best friends with people, but i think it's dumb and pointless and is too restricting
42) my best "best friend" was marta, aw i love marta
43) i can't snap, or i can but only with my left hand
44) i went to ireland over the summer and realized my family should not spend anything over a weekend together
45) i have 35 first cousins on one side, six of which are at my house right now
46) i used to have a crush on mr pickett, and blushed every time he called on me-if only his hair weren't so attractive
47) i really wanted an imaginary friend for a while, but i kept forgetting to hang out with her, so she ditched me for some other friend
48) my grandma used to tell me there were trolls under her deck, i'm still scared to walk by it
49) 90% of my clothes are from anthropology
50)i go there like once every three months, but other than that i dont really shop
51) i believed in the toothfairy, santa and the easter bunny until fourth grade, it was a very sad day when i found out
52) my family is crazy, that is not a joke
53) my grandparents have a house in colorado and whenever we go there i spend the whole time being paranoid about mountain lions and bears
54) i've never liked a boy that told me he likes me
55) i will always be late for everything, even though i try to deny it
56) my first real crush was in kindegarten, his name was charlie-we ran around the playground hitting the cooties out of him with sticks, and then i spent the rest of the day thinking about him
57) i've never done drugs, i've drank but never been really drunk
58) i dont drink normally but i'm not really opposed to it, i figure if i want to i will, but i dont feel any pressure to go either way
59) i procrastinate everything i do
60) i'm really self conscience, only i didnt realize/admit it until i was too shy to sing in front of my piano/voice teacher and she said "i'm guessing you are this self conscience with everything"
61) my entire family (probably about 70 people) want and expect me to be the doctor of the family-although i have to pass chemistry first...
62) I have spindly fingers, some compare them to dementors--i dont like those people
63) i go to church every sunday....twenty minutes late every time
64)in third grade i was going to sing "i'm a barbie girl" with two friends for the talent show, until my dad realized the line was "undress me everywhere" not "dress me everywhere"-who would have thought that song was so dirty?
65) i can stay up later than lizzy because Jesus is on my side
66) i gave up candy for lent, and in an effort to balance myself, i decided to start swearing more (there really should be hand gestures to explain this)
67) i can only flirt with boys i dont like
68) when i really like a boy i usually ignore him
69) yes...i realize that is a really bad plan
70) i am in women's choir, alto 2-it's too low so instead of telling mr. d i just mouth about half the words
71) the only music that makes me feel really hopeful and yet really depressed at the same time is my sisters
72) i used to be friends with kristina kaner, every time i went to her house we'd play barbies (mind you this was 4th grade)
73) she thought barbies were only fun to play with if they had sex
74) my favorite ice cream flavor is mud pie-i can blame lizzy for that one
75) i can eat like one saltine in 1 minute and 15 seconds, aparently my mouth isnt as moist as lizzy's
76) i hate chocolate ice cream
77) my favorite show is my so called life
78) about half of my away messages are quotes from it
79) i dont like to think about college
80) i own pepper spray and keep it in my purse
81) i used to be on the pigeon staff, until i realized i was only going to see nick panama
82) i like to refer to boys as pretty, it's more fun
83) although i hate it when girls are called handsome-i picture a woman that looks like a man but dresses well
84) i dont like calling my friends babe
85) this has taken me like 2 weeks to do, as i'm sure you know because i keep talking about it
86) i like a boy right now, although judging from recent occurences i'm pretty sure it's not mutual
87) i am on the internet for like 3 hours every day and yet i feel guilty about being on it 90% of the time
88) the one person i dislike the most in our grade is probably also the nicest person in our grade, and that is kind of the reason i dont like him
89) my favorite day recently became wednesday-it used to be thursday
90) "and sometimes y" is an awesome name for a band
91) my favorite season is fall-especially in connecticut
92) i love new york, but probably not for the same reasons everyone else does
93) i'm slightly scared of the sun
94) when i was little my mom set me down on the grass for one second, to get my sister. when she came back i was eating ants...yum
95) i'm not scared of bees, probably because i once stepped on a beehive and got stung a million times-after that one bee isnt nearly as scary
96) i usually only paint one hand because it's too hard to paint my fingernails with my left hand
97) sometimes i wish i could be five years old again, actually most of the time
98) the majority of my friends think i'm really innocent
99) i can't whistle on key
100) i'm awesome at ping pong and badmitten (thanks to coach novias and kate)

"Fencers ready?" "um no just one second"

2005-02-05T09:56:00.000-08:00

So I have my first fencing tournament today, and my last. It turns out I actually have to quit fencing, which is kind of lucky. I had to forge my doctor's forms on the heath forms, and I obviously said I was ok to fence (assuming I was). But once we actually asked my doctor, she said I probably shouldn't fence because of my kidney problems, and if somone hit me there it could possibly hurt me. Ok so I don't think that this is entirely true, because we barely touch eachother-but nonetheless it is an excuse to quit the team. It has been a painful 3 days a week for the past few months. I did however come to some helpful realizations by doing fencing: a) I hate fencing b) i'm bad at fencing c) fencing isn't as exciting or fun as it seems, they rarely let you jump off walls while sword-fighting (they also don't let you call them swords--or say touche! after you hit someone). I guess it was good that I did it, I finished my PE credits and now I will never wish I had taken up fencing (not that I would've, but in case I would have started wishing that later in life). Besides it will be a great story to tell my kids....actually it will be kind of a boring story, but i'm sure I'll tell it anyway. So today is my last day, my first tournament-i'm hoping to just get one touch on someone, this might be difficult since I don't actually know how to fence. I'll be back at like six and tel you all how my fencing tournament went. Hopefully I'll make it out alive.

In the arms of an angel

2005-01-30T13:29:00.000-08:00

It's all I want, I suppose it's all anyone wants. Someone to take care of you, to warm your hands when they're cold, shield you from the wind. I guess that's what I've been craving lately, comfort. I keep looking for it in everyone, hoping that just one person will give me what I seem to be lacking. I was listening to "angel" by sarah mchlachlan and i suddenly got it. i just want to be taken care of by someone, i want to feel loved. not romantically, although perhaps that's why i keep wanting a boyfriend. I just want to find some comfort.

Yes, this is how I'm spending my first free track...

2005-01-24T08:33:00.000-08:00

Finals are over. Thank God. I think one more day of that would've killed me. i hate finals, although i think i did pretty well this time, with the exception of chemistry, but i've given up on chemistry anyway so that doesnt matter. i really dont have anything that exciting going on. i've already broken many of my resolutions, trying to get back on track with that. i think i might cut off my hair to my shoulders. i've never had it that short and i feel like i have to start over, like this hair is more than just something that sits on top of my head and gets tangeled. its more than just hair. it's holding me back, i've used it for too long to hide behind. not literally but it makes me feel safe and comfortable. and i cant keep doing it, i think if i cut it off i wont have that mess of hair to keep me at a safe distance anymore. sometimes we need a change, and after a life time of long hair, i think it's time to try something new. Today is the first day back at school. I wouldn't say it's nice to be back here, but it is nice to see some of the ppl i wouldnt see if it weren't for school (about 99% of brentwood). i had a really horrible dream last night. i dont remember exactly what it was, but i was doing some science project with jamie kwan. one of my friends (we'll call her sally) came up to us and said "the teacher said i had to be in your group", looking upset. i thought it was wierd that she was acting like that, but then she kept getting meaner and meaner.i suddenly realized that she wasnt really my friend at all, and even though we might have had a connection at one point, it no longer exists, just like there is no longer a connection between jamie and i. it was so wierd because i've been thinking a lot about friendships lately, and i guess it just came out in my subconscious. dreams are funny how they tell you things you try so hard to supress.

Your voice still sounds in my ears

2005-01-21T11:26:00.000-08:00

i realized the other day that i hadn't said anything about telling him. usually when something big happens, i go straight to this blog to vent. i can get everything i want out without having to wait for a response from someone. but the thing about this time is i didn't want to post about it. i didnt want to talk about, think about it. think about him. i didnt really have any of those girlish giggles with him. i didnt talk about him to all of my friends. i didnt tell anyone... well that is until i told him. i'd never been in so much pain from liking a boy, i mean of course it hurts to like someone and not be liked back. but this time was different. i'd never liked anyone that close to me before, i never had that much to risk. i kept thinking, if i just tell him it wont hurt so much. i wont have to be the only one to know what's going on. i know it sounds selfish, but i thought maybe if i shared some of what i was feeling i wouldnt be so upset all the time. of course this didnt work out exactly how i had planned. it's been over three weeks but it's still not the same. i mean how could i expect it to be? it's just i thought i could get over this, that both of us could eventually go back to normal. i'm not saying it hasnt gotten better, i mean it has. it's just not the same. i'm trying so hard to make it normal, that i've forgotten what normal even feels like. is normal hiding my feelings while listening to how much he's in love with someone else? i feel like every time i go over to talk to him he's thinking "she likes me". and i dont blame him. i dont know if i regret telling him, i guess it was kind of necesary. at the time i think it was the only thing i could do. but i cant help thinking, if i didnt tell him, maybe i would have eventually gotten over it by myself and then i wouldnt have to be dealing with this. i decided i'm not telling any more boys i like them. it hurts too much to be this vulnerable.

Pet Rat + Oprah = my friday night

2005-01-15T15:11:00.000-08:00

So last night I was asked to babysit this boy who lives like two houses away. I wasn't going to until I heard they paid $15 an hour. "Damnitt", I thought, "now I really have no excuse to not babysit, I mean i have no plans, and I'd be making a lot of money". Yes most ppl would be happy about this job-offer, but that's just the way I think. So I walk two houses down, bringing with me my Oprah magazine, history book, and my purse (containing only gum and one sock). So I knock on the door and Sebastion (yes like the little mermaid) opens the door. Now he's 13, which is kind of wierd for me to be babysitting, or anyone to be babysitting him. It's like there is too big of an age difference for me to just talk to him like an equal, but he's too old for me to be like "Johanna the babysitter". He said he could only play video games on fridays, so that's pretty much all he wanted to do while I was there. He gave me the "house tour", which was a little lacking since he only showed me the living room. Then, much to my disgust, he showed me his pet rat, Minnie. I hate rats, in fact I have an irrational fear of them. But, in an atempt to be pleasant, when he asked me if i liked rats I said "are you kidding? i love rats! they are adorable". This was really quite a bad decision, because he then "let" me hold it. Let's just say I washed my hands for 10 minutes in the bathroom after. So Sebastion went downstairs and I sat on the cage and read Oprah. I didnt feel like reading history so i tried to read veryyyy slowly. I read every article and now know the secret to marriage (which according to Oprah is communication and sex, in case you wanted to know). This issue was the "love" issue, and I think I actually learned something from the wisdom of oprah. I need to be happy with where I am nonw. I think I spend so much time day dreaming and wanting things, that I never think about now. I keep thinking "if I just have a boyfriend then everything will be ok". But you want to know the truth? Everything is ok now, and I have to stop waiting around for something to fix everything, especially when everything does not need to be fixed. I'm not swearing off of boys, because if something happens with a boy, I'd be perfectly ok with that. But I am going to stop wanting that so much. And I'm not doing this so the universe will be like "oh she doesnt want a boyfriend anymore? ok we will give her a boyfriend" because if i did it for that reason then i really would want a boyfriend, and then the law of the universe wouldnt even work. So while I was there I wrote up my new years resolutions:
1) Be content with where you are in this part of your life, don't assume one thing will make life better
2) Accept that you have flaws, but that doesn't make you any worst as a person, and that ppl will love you despite/ because of those flaws
3) Try to be healthier, excercise more, eat better things etc.
4) Keep a journal aside from this blog, sometimes that is all you need to stay sane
5) Surround yourself with good people, it will make you happier in the long run
6) Remember you aren't always right, you aren't all that wise, and dont think you are better than anyone
7) Be more confident
8) Be a better friend, dont talk behind friends' backs, always be there for them
9) Dance more
10) Have more fun, when highschool is over you will remember the experiences you had, not your gpa
11) However, stop procrastinating, it will make life more pleasant
So once I finished this list I started hearing these little crackling noises, I couldnt figure out what it was until I saw the rat chewing on the bars of the cage. It looked at me with this evil rat stare, and i could tell it was trying to escape from the cage and attack me, so I switched rooms. Finally the parents came home, after very little interaction with the boy I was babysitting, and they gave me $75, holy shit. I hope they ask me to babysit again, although maybe they can get rid of the rat first. So that was my night, Oprah, pet rats and an akward 13 year old boy. What a night.

Goodbye 2004, Good Ridence

2005-01-14T13:26:00.000-08:00

This past year has not been great for me, as you have probably gathered from the title. There wasn't one defining thing that made it bad, but this year has been the saddest of my life. I've spent more time crying and obsessing and feeling badly than I can ever remember. Although I think a lot of that comes just with growing up. This year I've been rejected by two boys, one in the past two weeks. This year I've dealt with things I never thought I would have to deal with. I know I have a good life, I'm lucky really, but I can't help but be happy that I can start fresh. I always make new years resolutions, they are usually the same. The same things I don't like about myself, the same bad habits I want to stop doing, the same goals I want to achieve.
I know it may seem naive to believe so, but I really think this year will be different. And I can't help but being happy that I can once again make a fresh start. I will continue to make resolutions, and try my hardest to keep them. This year has not been all bad though, I think I've learned a lot. From every bad thing that's happened to me, it has changed me. I started 2004 lost and uncertain, having no idea who I was, and no idea how to find it. I feel a lot more sure of myself now, I know I have a lot to learn, but overall I know me. I know what I like and don't like and I know who I am. I was sleeping over at Lizzy's house with Gianna and Vera, and we were talking about all of our "2004 firsts". I guess I have a fair amount, that's one of the best things about being a teenager, you do so many things for the first time. I think as a teenager i'm probably the most vulnerable I will ever be. For new years eve I flew from Buffalo (where I was with my mom) to Palm springs, to meet the rest of my family plus my cousins, aunt, and grandparents. That night we went to this restaurant at la quinta (our hotel) and they had a band there. Claire had been talking about how much she dances at college, which I guess she didnt do before, and so she and I went and danced around. Then matt and my cousin martin came over and joined us. Pretty soon my grandparents, my parents, my siblings and cousins were all dancing to "la bomba". Claire and Ryan were doing this mirroring thing, where one of them would start dancing and the other would mimic their moves. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard. I had such a good time, and it was a nice way to end my year. I guess I forgot that sometimes it can be really fun to hang out with you family. Anyway even though this has been a rocky year, the one thing that has remained constantly there were my friends. Thank you for that, and I hope at one point I can be just as helpful for all of you. Happy New years!

Smell the Sweet Scent of the Turducken

2004-12-25T21:24:00.000-08:00

Ah Christmas, what a holiday. Ever since I can remember I've loved Christmas. I know a lot of people have mixed emotions about it, but I only have happy memories of Christmas. Of course this Christmas morning, as all the rest, started at about 7, too early for anyone over the age of 12. Ryan rushed into my room yelling at the top of the lungs "I GOT A MINI IPOD! I GOT A MINI IPOD!" For some reason he thought that this news would make me want to get out of bed, it didnt. Once he got over his screaming I attempted to return to dreaming, but then he comes up again about ten minutes later. "Johanna it's Christmas!" as if someone forgot to notify me, "why are you still in bed?!" I threw a pillow at of him and yelled something that could only have come out as "geoumeroo" which was supposed to mean "get out of my room", but come on guys....7 in the morning. Anyway I eventually got up and opened my presents, which is always fun. I was with my mom when I got half of them, so I liked almost all of them. It's sad though that they weren't all suprizes, I love suprizes.... well good ones at least. So we went to church which was...churchy. I drove (by the way guys I actually don't suck that much anymore) and on the way out I saw JP. He was with the rest of his family, his dad came over and met my parents and said "Hey, I know you! You are the people who sent us the Christmas card! My wife and I were trying for the longest time to figure out who you were!" Of course they failed to ask JP, who hopefully would have recognized me. I guess this is the consequence for having a mom who is convinced she knows everyone at my school, and sends them all Christmas cards. I am pretty sure everyone reading this (except Mattias, sorry I'm sure my mom will send one if you want) has recieved one. So after Church and presents we kind of just hung around and eventually made it over to my aunt and uncle and the chinese cousin's new house in Pasedena. We had a fun time, kind of just talked and ate. Then we headed to the Herzogs, where they had fancy dessert and odd people. There was this one woman who kept looking at me oddly, she had short hair and at first I couldn't tell if she was a man or woman, until someone called her Nancy. Anyway I'm going to blockbuster, but I'll finish this post later. Merry Christmas everyone.

I have no fear, I only have love

2004-12-20T17:11:00.000-08:00

I keep using this one away message. A few people have asked me about it, who it was about-I just told them it was a quote. It's funny because that's kind of what I do with everything, I'm never willing to admit that I am sad or worried or depressed-because it's like if I let anyone in my little world will come crumbling down. I feel so depressed, I was home alone today for like 5 hours and I just started crying. I'm the type of person that will cry really hard if i fall down or something, or if my pet hamster dies. i'm not saying i never cry or anything, but this was different. i was just so overwhelmed with life the only thing i could do was cry. and i realized that the main reason i kept crying was this away message, "it hurts too much to look at you, knowing you're looking at her". i was so drained from thinking about him, thinking about her. i decided to just tell him, if something hurts this much you ought to tell someone-but i havent told anyone. part of me wishes i had never met him, then i could actually be happy for the two of them, because they'd be kind of disconnected from me. i feel so empty, it's like i'm not motivated to live anymore. not that i'm going to kill myself or anything, just i've forgotten what this is for. lizzy jokingly said, in response to my not liking anyone, "geez, what get's you up every morning?". and the thing is i do like someone, but he has become a deterrant for getting up every morning. i hate him for making me care about him this much. i hate him for making me write this, for getting things out of me i wouldn't tell anyone. i wish i could control my emotions more, stop this-stop liking him. i can't keep doing this, it's killing me. even just writing this hurts unbareably. i know you all care about me and you will probably ask who it is or say you're sorry, but please dont. you cant do anything, and it will just hurt more to be asked. that would mean i'd have to admit it's real.

And it all comes down to you

2004-12-20T15:55:00.000-08:00

I've written about ten posts, but I can't use each of them for pretty much the same reason. It's winter break and I'm pretty bored. I wish I could be spending the entire break in Buffalo or Chicago like I usually do. I slept over at Lizzy's house with Gianna and Vera and that was really fun (especially taboo), but other than that I've just been lying around my house, spending too much time online. I have this one thing that has pretty much been all I can think about, but I can't write about it. It seems so pointless to have a journal that you have to leave major things out of, but I guess that's what happens what you tell too many people about it. Tomorrow I have my first driving lesson, which should be frightening, I've only been on sunset once and it was for about five seconds. Alright well maybe I'll post something I've already written later today, maybe not. In the mean time I am bored out of my mind, if you want to save me feel free to call. Sounds pretty desperate, huh.

Johanna Table

2004-12-08T17:24:00.000-08:00

I was flipping through the anthropology catologue when I saw this pretty table, I went to read the description, in case it has any secret information about the table, and guess what it was called! ok well i'm sure you can guess since it's the title of this post, but it was the Johanna Table. With an 'h' and everything! Anyway, life's been wierd lately, i dont know not good or bad I've just kind of been floating. I am annoyed with people, but not annoyed enough to start a fight. I like a boy, but not enough to tell anyone, let alone him. I am confused in chemistry, but not confused enough to ask for help. I'm in a limbo of sorts and it's driving me crazy. I'm annoyed, sad, mad-but not enough to really complain about it. I'm sick of where I am, the people I'm around, the school I go to, and I feel like I've lost my connection with people I used to feel so close with. I guess I go through phases like this, but it's awful. I am so frustrated with everyone and frustrated with myself, I am angry at people for things they did last year (ok one person, one thing) and I have no right to be. I'm in a rut, that's it-I just need to find a way out.

You're so beautiful it hurts to look at you...

2004-12-02T18:15:00.000-08:00

Well I'm officially a sixteen year-old, yes a real teenager. I feel no different, act no different-but i have a feeling this year will be differen (not 10th grade but being 16). I had a birthday party which was so fun. We all got dressed up and at dinner and gave toasts (well they gave toasts), it was nice. I mean i know that everyone probably would love to have people talk about them, but i dont know it just made me feel loved. i've had a lot of conflict about whether or not to stay at brentwood, but after that i just felt like i had so many friends that i liked it'd be hard to leave. not that i am staying at brentwood definitely but it's just nice to know that i have ppl who care about me, sometimes i forget that. i have had a lot of wierd things with boys lately, nothing that exciting, just akward. i was going to tell this one boy i liked him, and then a different one and then a different one. there are three guys i like and i realized why i can committ to liking any one of them exclusively. i like something about each of them, the first one i like because i think i could easily "get" him-it sounds awful but i just like the feeling of not really having to try because i already know he likes me. the second i've liked for like a year, off and on but mostly on. i realized the main reason i like him is because i'm really attracted to him, i dont really know why, but whenever i see him i get all giggly and i feel like i'm in 7th grade again. the third person is new, in the past few weeks or so, it's hard because i'm good friends with him. he's a nice guy, but i'm not as attracted to him as the second person, and he's definitely not as easy to "get" as the first person. anyway it's akward with the 3rd guy now, oh well i have to figure out whether i really like him or i'm just affectionate with him beacause he's my friend. anyway thanksgiving was alright-we didnt eat until late because of my annoying uncle, but it was nice to see claire. i'll hopefully post in the next week....although dont count on it :)

Happy Birthday to me

2004-11-21T22:07:00.000-08:00

I'm 16!!!!!!!! Thank you all for calling emailing or whatever else you did to wish me a happy birthday, I had such a good day-I'll write more about it tomorrow!

2004-11-15T16:29:00.000-08:00

Well the play is finally over, it's sad-I had so much fun doing it. But at the same time I have never been so stressed out before. I kind of had a nervous break down today, I was supposed to make up this quiz during lunch for chemistry-Ms.Erickson sent me to the library, but when I got to the library I realized she didn't give me the activity series thing, so i tried to do as many as I could without it, which wasn't that many. so i went back to the classroom and told her-there was only like 2 mins left before class so she said i could try and finish it now. she left the room and i was still taking the quiz but i couldn't finish and was late for class. so i looked for her to ask if i could finish later-but i couldn't find her so i just left it on her desk with a note. i came back later to make sure it was ok, but she said i couldn't take it and she was going to grade it as is because i could have figured out the answers (although i dont know how i would've remembered them). anyway i got out of the classroom and just broke down. i have been so stressed out i just couldn't take it. elisa tried to calm me down, but with everything going on i was so overwhelmed-i havent had time to eat a normal meal in such a long time. i havent done any of my homework or studying because of the play and i'm sick of it. so i decided not to audition for the musical, i need to focus on not failing out of school or having an actual nervous breakdown.

2004-11-10T19:16:00.000-08:00

I keep going over it in my head, well both of them actually. It's funny, because it's always the sad one I think of first.
There's a dreamlike quality to it, but the feelings are all very much awake. I see him at the end of the hallway-we're both late to class, so we're pretty much alone. He says "hi" while he nods his head at me, and walks past. I stop him and say I have to tell him something. He looks at me and asks what it is. I can't look at him because I don't want him to know how hard this is for me, how much I've thought about it. I stare at my feet, which are tangled up so tight I am just about to tip over, and say something like "I know you probably don't like me, but I just thought you should know, I like you". The words slide out of my mouth, because I know that if I stopped to think, I would stop completely. He doesn't say anything, I press harder against the wall that has been supporting me, and look at him. He finally mumbles "wow...um I don't know what to say", in an effort to fill up the silence. Trying to act fine, like this is something I do all the time, I put this fake grin on and say "anyway I'd better go, I just wanted to tell you". I clench my jaw and grind my teeth, like I always do when I want to stop from feeling something. He says "I'm sorry about this" and I cringe. Anything but "sorry". I walk away, feeling his eyes beating on my back. The second I get out of that hallway my eyes start to tear. I collapse on the ground, burrying my face in my knees, to muffle my silent sobs. I didn't know it would hurt this much. I sit there in the hallway for what must be 20 minutes.
The thing is, this is the only version I can imagine, maybe because this is the only version I've ever known.

2004-11-09T21:46:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow we preform for the middle schoolers. I hope they like it, I can remember when I read To Kill a Mockingbird. It was eighth grade. Mr.Willens was the teacher, but despite his pervish teaching meathods, I changed when I read that book. I don't know what it is about To Kill a Mockingbird, maybe it has to do with the seemingly simple writing style-but then it's the simplicity that makes it so real, so easy to connect with. It by no means dealt with simple matters, but it stated it in a such a plain way that anyone could understand it, I feel like people try too hard to make things seem fancier, search for better words, trying to make it more complex-when sometimes the most touching things are the most simply stated. Anyway I just don't want our play to taint the way the middle schoolers will read the book-I don't want to take away anyone's opportunity to change the way it changed me.

2004-11-06T13:24:00.000-08:00

I am so glad this is a long weekend! Today is the first day in a month that I have had nothing to do, it's such a nice feeling. School has been so stressful, and frustrating-I can't even imagine what next year will be like. I went to Disneyland and California Adventure yesterday with Ali. It was sooo fun, we got park hoppers so we went back and forth between both parks. We saw Alex Fineman and Marianne while waiting in the line for indiana jones, then we went with them to splash mountain, while Marianne recalled the time she got in trouble for flipping off the camera when she was 9, and how they threatened to never let her return to the magic kingdom again. We went on all the rides and there were barely any lines, it was great! Although sadly we spent about a quarter of the time talking about Mr.Stiven and how wrong he is about Disneyland being racist-I mean just because they have one semi-racist ride, doesn't mean the happiest place on earth is actually the most racist place on earth! I really feel bad for Timmy, he's probably being brainwashed right now to be a disneyland hater. Even though I probably perminantly damaged my hip, I had an amazing time-and it was nice to go with someone as enthusiastic about Disneyland as I am. Since I haven't updated in almost a month, I figure I should give a brief summary of halloween. I went trick or treating with Lizzy, it was so much fun-despite the age comments. People kept giving me candy but stopping Lizzy until she explained her costume, which took like ten minutes. At one house they asked me what I was and I said a "dragonfly" and they asked Lizzy and she almost said a hooker, stopped herself and explained how she was Sydney from Alias hahaha. Claire also came to visit a week or two ago, it was really nice having her here-it just feels so much more normal, like the balance of power is finally in order. She's coming again for thanksgiving, just after my birthday-I'm so excited. I was going to visit her this weekend but I couldn't because I have play rehursal from 1-6 tomorrow...
Oh and I did something really stupid, for those of you who don't know, during halloween the ecology club sends these things called eco-grams, they are basically just bags of candy with a little note that cost $2. You send it to whoever you want and the cheerleaders/ecology club members deliver them during your classes. So for some reason or another I was going to send one to David Espanoza anonymously. I don't really know why I though this was such a fantastic idea, but I sent it to him anyway. I like David kind of, but not genuinly-just sort of one of my wierd crushes-and I had an extra eco gram so I just thought I'd send it to him. Anyway, he is good friends with Arapaie (I have no idea if that's how you spell her name) and so the next day Arapaie came up to me and said "Johanna do you have something to tell me?" and I knew that she knew, I don't know how she knew but she definitely did. She asked me if I sent anything to David and I just got this really blank look on my face and said no (after staring at her in confusement for 10 seconds). She just laughed and said "sure...". So for the rest of the day she kept following me around and yelling "hi johanna! So is the answer yes?" So finally I pulled her aside and told her that I had but she couldn't tell David anything. She said she swore, but before she knew it was me she told him that she thought I might've sent it. Anyway now she always walks by him with me and says hi in a really funny way-I'm sure David either knows or he is really suspicious. It's not that I don't like David, it's just now there's all this pressure, and I don't even know him that well. Arapaie told me I should hang out with them more, but it's just that I like someone else so much more (mostly because I know him a lot better) and now I feel like I have to keep liking David. Anyway if I'm ever about to do anything like this again, remind me how badly these things turn out.

2004-10-13T19:32:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while, so despite the fact that I have nothing to say, I am going to write this. School has been getting harder, a lot more stressful. It's funny because my favorite class is history yet it's the class I'm doing the worst in, but I guess your favorite class doesn't necesarily coorespond with your best class. I have been spending a few lunches a week in the darkroom and I really like it. It's so different from the outside, when you go in there it's so peaceful. It's quiet, there's no drama or expectations. And there's something really soothing about rocking the chemical baths back and forth as you watch your photograph appear on blank paper. I love photography, it's the first thing I've felt really passionate about in a while.
I also sort of came to the conclusion that I can no longer spend time complaining about school or thinking about how much I dislike it. Because we will never get these years back and we might as well make the most of it. Yes, highschool is hard and often depressing, but there is no use droaning about feeling sorry for yourself, everyone is going through it. And I feel like we will never be this vulnerable or this new the rest of our life, it is such an amazing time because we are going through so many firsts. Besides when I really think about it I have nothing to complain about it, I have no real problems, just a lot of inconveniences. People often think what's going on in their life is a problem, they don't realize how lucky they are. Any way I'm sorry for sounding so preachy but I think I am partially trying to convince myself of everything I'm saying, as well as all of you.
Halloween is coming up! Yay, I love Halloween. I may be a dragonfly, no claire not with the ugly head. A hot dragonfly hahaha. I don't know what I am going to wear, but I can't not dress up. I plan to go trick-or-treating until I'm a senior, without trick-or-treating then halloween is just another night. I may or may not have a halloween party, I don't know I'll have to figure that part out later. Ok I'm done rambling.

2004-10-05T19:12:00.000-07:00

I was sitting the other day thinking about this boy and daydreaming about the day he would come up to me protesting this secret affection he has always had for me. he would tell me he loves me and i'd know instantly and magically that i loved him too. school would no longer be dreaded because i'd know that he would be there, we'd hold hands in the hallway, he would kiss me at my locker. but most of all he would care about me, and i would care about him. and nothing else would matter, all the drama in my life would disapear when i was with him. i cant stop thinking that will happen to me one day, i have to keep thinking of love as being just around the corner. i guess i'd thought that i had changed a lot in the past five years. and in some ways i have. but not my essential character, i remember when all it would take is a guy to say one nice thing to me and i would fall head over heels. i thought i'd moved beyond those childish crushes. but i am still that girl, and i still just want someone to care about me, the way i care about them. in sixth grade i sent an email to preston, i forget what it was about-well that's not true i remember exactly but that's besides the point, and i must've spent an hour on that email. it wasnt long but i spent so much time on the colors and fonts. i remeber i centered the letter, i changed the color for each line. and i checked the status of the email every day to see if he'd read it, i couldnt wait for the day i would get an email back from him. but one day i checked the status and it was already read, but he never replied. i know it sounds insignificant, but i remember that moment so vividly because it was the first time i thought of myself as desperate. i kept scolding myself for wanting him so much. and even though the boys i like know i know better and like them for reasons other than their being hot, so much of my main attraction to them is simply in my mind. what i imagine could happen with them. i wonder if it ever will. i think i have to stop wanting love so much to actually fall in love. according to claire, one of the main rules of the universe is you will only get what you want once you stop wanting it. most of you dont realize how much i want to fall in love. and please dont say "you dont need a guy to validate your existance" because that is what i used to tell people, even though a guy is all i wanted. it's not that i want a boyfriend, i just want someone to care about me. i want to be in love. it's funny how the 12 year-old-you never really goes away, she just comes up with better excuses.

2004-10-02T19:58:00.000-07:00

Ok I know, I know I am a loser. But I didn't know how to spell Isaac's name so I went to babynames.com and then I started looking at the other names. Anyway I chose the names for my children haha. I just like choosing names, it's not that i really want to have kids or anything. anyway here they are-and i'm not having eight kids these are just the ones i like. feel free to criticize:
Fiona
Hailey
Ella
Madeline
Isabella
Connor
Nathan
Max

2004-09-25T09:03:00.000-07:00

well it's saturday morning and i am probably the only person who got up at 8 voluntarily, well sort of voluntarily. i was up half the night because i couldnt breathe and i would go into a sneezing fit every ten minutes, so i decided to stop attempting to sleep and just get up. i was going to get my permit today and go shopping and to a movie, but unfortunately my body decided to hold me captive with allergies/strep throat/the flu/ a cold. i really have no clue what it is and i sincerely apologize if i have infected you. i am hoping that i will magically get better in about an hour so i can go forth with all my plans of the day, although i think it's a little unlikely. ok well that's all for now.

2004-09-21T18:54:00.000-07:00

Well this may sound sort of desperate, but I have been trying to come up with one thing to look forward each day. i feel like if i have something to live for every day then i will be less depressed, i dont know if it'll work, but i need to stop feeling this way. i have also been trying to stop myself from thinking about how others percieve me, and start trying to impress ME -because i realized that i spend so much time trying to do what my parents want, what my teachers want, what my friends want that i forgot what i want. which is maybe one of the reasons i feel so lost. anyway this might all seem a little lame, but i dont care. by the way my thing to be excited for tomorrow is that my birthday is in exactly two months.

2004-09-18T18:13:00.000-07:00

well i've been sort of depressed lately. i dont know if it's school in general but all those expectations i've had? quite different from reality. i just want to disapear. i want to stop feeling bad about myself. i want to holding in tears. i want to stop pretending. i just feel so alone, i dont feel like anyone gets it, gets me. i dont even get me. everyone walks around with a smile on their face and its just all such crap. no one likes you, no one gives a fuck what happens to you. you're a ghost, just wandering around this school. it's all a joke. people act like they care about you, like they're making decisions for your best interest. they arent, everyone makes choices that will help them and no one else. and they all try to convince people that what they're thinking is the best thing for you-why don't they just trust you to know what's best for you??? a ghost. that's what i feel lilke. if i could fade away i would. everything is just hurting too much. i see people around me and they look happy, they seem to be enjoying school, enjoying life and i want to be that. i dont want to just keep acting like it, i want to feel it.

2004-09-12T14:38:00.000-07:00

well i went to the dance last night. i got to the bbq sort of late and then went into town to get ice cream. by the way i am leaving a lot out between those two events. there was so much drama. so many ppl that got upset that by the time the dance started i was already pretty emotionally drainedd. but i went anyway and had a fairly good time. nothing life changing happened, just dancing. afterward we decided we were going to go to the after party, which i was at first resistant towards, but decided to just go along with it-i sort of wanted to go to see what all the hype was about and why it was so great. well julia kate elisa and i got a ride from chris root-which was fun, he played music really loudly and we stopped at coffee bean. when we got to the after party the first thing i saw was alejandro holding a cigar and a huge bottle of something intoxicating. we walked in and the stench of weed hit us. there were about 50 ppl there all desperately searching for pot, cigars, cigarettes and anything that could get them drunk. it was wierd, seeing the same ppl i had been with at the dance acting like this, because it was just so different from how they usually are. honestly i was just so bored. 50 ppl crowded in a back yard of some senior's house, all drinking and smoking, is not the party one might expect. i hate after parties and i honestly never want to go again. when i want to drink i won't do it that way, i want to be with ppl i like, not a bunch of strangers. basically it all made me feel bad. it made me feel bad that ppl thought someething was wrong with me because i didnt drink, that my parents trust me so little that they actually drove all the way to brentwood to "spy on me" or whatever they were doing. bad because it reminded me how much i hate being here, being.i feel like such a little kid. i've never been drunk, i haven't tasted vodka, i have no desire to ever let my lips touch a cigarette, i've never come close to being "stoned"
this was my first party, and all i did was stand there-but i dont regret it. i'm not ready. i dont feel the need to escape with alchohol. i dont care if others do, but i dont. and i'm sick of being asked "if i'm ok" just because i dont feel like it. i'm sick of being called the "innocent one" the one they joke about how they've "tainted" her mind. i dont want to be objectified like that. and if i dont want to finish a bottle of vodka that 10 other ppl have started, then i dont have to. but dont fucking ask me if i'm ok.

2004-09-09T16:06:00.000-07:00

i wrote this post after the first day of school, it's a little dull but it's mainly just to remember my first day of 10th grade:
The summer is over. No more late nights and even later mornings. No more watching tv for 4 hours without feeling guilty. No more weeknight sleepovers. And while I love the summer, and will miss it dearly, a part of me was happy to go back today. Whenever school starts I come up with goals, I promise myself this year will be different. This year I'll get all A's. This year I'll be organized. This year I will be better at flirting and as a result will finally "get" the guy. And while these goals usually only last for a day or two, it's a nice feeling to be able to forget the past and start over. I guess, as I do every year, I have pretty great expectations (like the reference?) for 10th grade. I always start school thinking "this year will be it, this is the year that I will remember forever", and while it's a little unrealistic, I wouldn't be able to go to school every morning if I didn't think that way. So today when I got up at 6:30 without complaint, I'll admit, I was a little excited. The day started off with jamming things into my locker, in a very unorganized manner (promising myself I would organize it later). Then it was off to photography and women's choir. They were both mediocre, they neither exceeded nor disapointed my expectations. Then came probably the worst part of the day, all school opening ceremony.... basically waiting for 40 minutes in the hot sun for a 10 minute ceremony. I think the whole point of it is to impress the kindergarden parents so that they decide to donate more, before they actually find out what Brentwood is like. After the busride back, I went to advisor (same plus Jeff and Kimmy) and then onto Chemistry and Spanish. I basically have no idea why I am in honors Chemistry, seeing as I hate both math and science, but I thought what the hell. Class was alright, the little Chemistry we did was confusing, but at least she lit something on fire at the end. Spanish was actually sort of disapointing, probably because I was so excited for it. Ms.Hill was nice, but no Ms.Radomile. My class is ok, I like half the class, but there are some older kids that I don't really know. Honestly, I'm a little intimidated of actually having all smart people in my class. After spanish was english with Ms.Olsen, this was the teacher I was most upset from getting, and most pleasantly surprized. She seems very sweet and soft and overall really caring. She calls people with affectionate names such as "sweetie" and "dollface", which I like. We have an in class essay tomorrow though, which sucks. After english I was pretty much ready to go home, but I still had math and history... Math was great I love Mr.Svec, although my class is...er...interesting. I have Alejandro, Ashley, Nichole Graboff, Stevie, Taylor, Ali :), and Johanna Middleton. History was alright, Mr.Stiven sort of reminds me of an elf or some sort of hobbit. His meathod of teaching is really good, it's exciting and you can't daze off in that class. Anyway, after school I had try outs. God, I want to get in. I would take any part, I just want to be in a play, be part of it so much. I thought it went pretty well, I was nervous at first but it was really fun. Anyway, that's it for now, we'll see how this year goes!

2004-09-03T21:17:00.000-07:00

i keep hearing it. innocence is no longer a good thing. be fast. be cool. have sex. get drunk. that's what they're telling you. that's what they want. but i dont want to! i'm not ready, i shout. we dont care, they shout louder. they fill their words with excuses, every other sentence starting with a "because". i tell them i'm still a kid! it doesnt matter, they say. kids dont exist anymore. change. change. change. if you want boys to like you, you have to go all the way. do it do it do it. the words ring in my ears. if you want to have fun, be happy you have to do it. lose it. it's fun, they tell me. i cant take it, the pressure is mounding, the volume is getting louder. but there's no one there to stop it. no one is feeling like this, they say. no one cares. no one wants to help, they don't understand. it's me. it must be me. i have to change, change or leave-they tell me.

2004-08-27T18:06:00.000-07:00

I should write about my trip to ireland first, but right now I really need to talk about Claire. She left today. God, I miss her. I've literally been walking in a daze the whole day, putting on this fake smile and then going to cry in the bathroom. I dont think I've ever cried as much in one day as I have today. I keep coming up with things to do to keep my mind off of it, but when it comes to who to do them with-I keep thinking of Claire. I miss her. I want her to come back-I'd share a room with Ryan for the rest of my life if she'd stay. I knew I would be upset when seh left-but I didn't think I'd be this upset. I just feel so lost, so alone. I know she's just one person, but she means a lot to me. I hope we stay in touch. I hope she comes back to visit soon. I just can't imagine life without her living down the hall from me. She left this morning and it seems like a lifetime ago. I tried not to cry when I said goodbye, but I couldn't help it-I've been holding back tears for the past few days and I couldn't do it any more. I gave her a letter that I wrote last night. I felt like I had to do something, give her something to tell her how much I would miss her, and I knew if I said it in person I would start crying. I want my mom here to give me a hug and tell me it'll be alright, but she's gone to Oberlin with Claire. I want to do something-get out of the house, but I just feel so helpess. My dad said something about Claire's room and then paused and said "your room"-I feel awful moving in. I don't want to take her space, I can't imagine anyone else living there and I feel like if I move in then it's perminant. I don't want it to be perminant. I just really really miss her.

2004-08-07T11:30:00.000-07:00

i started a diary last night. i know it might seem stupid because this is in some part a diary. but it is a lot more freeing to write in something that you know (or hope you know) no one will read. you dont have to impress anyone. you dont have to make yourself sound good. you can write everything that is going on without editing out the parts that you "arent allowed to write". i dont want to quite blogging, it's just this blog isn't quite as satisfying as i would've hoped. i was reading my old posts from the begininning and i was forgetting who the "friend with a problem" and "boy that i liked" are. anyway i watched the ring thursday night, and i'd just like to say that i will be paranoid about evil dead little girls for the rest of my life. kate slept over and it was lots of fun, i havent seen her forever so it was great. even if we did look disheveled after hiding under a pillow for 2 hours during the movie. we made brownies and looked at my diaries from 6th and 7th grade. and my lovely jonah poem... oh by the way, kate, you left your earing at my house. i am going to ireland tomorrow. im really exited but sort of sad, i dont know why. i guess it's because this is like my last trip with claire. she's leaving after this. i decided i cant go around being depressed about claire's leaving. i am trying to have a "positive outlook"...being positive sucks. anyway you know (well some of you do) the "boy i like", well i've been thinking about it-or him rather, a lot. i really am starting to wonder whether or how much i really like him. i mean when i hang out with him he's fine, nice and sometimes funny. but i dont know if i like that person that i hang out with or if i just have this dilusional idea of who he is, or would become with me. maybe im just so desperate, that i start liking every guy i meet in hope that one of them will turn out to be the guy i want. i think i am beginning to fall in love with love. but at the same time this guy is really sweet, he has faults but i mean who doesnt? i guess the main possible "fault" is that he doesnt like me. geez i dont even know whether or not he does and im acting like i he's told me. why can i just take a leap and tell him? i dont know, i hate being rejected. i dont know if i can put myself thru that again. i hate... things... (wow i just realized that that was an inside joke with myslef... oh man)

2004-07-28T23:35:00.000-07:00

if anyone wants to go to see the village with me friday i am going to order tickets. anyway just tell me if you want to come because i am soooo excited, by the way i will be forcing some of you to go see it with me....:)

2004-07-25T13:57:00.000-07:00

ive had such a fun weekend. i slept over at lizzy's house on friday and hung out with her CT friends, which was fun. then saturday morning i went to julia's and we walked for a while with amy. i decided that one of my goals for summer is to learn how to cartwheel well, so i practiced with jules. then we went into brentwood for lunch (and i did NOT make you drop the bagel :) and we went to that store market. mainly because julia saw some tabloid photo with mary-kate olson in front of it. unfortunately there was no mary-kate. but they did have these cute little paper things i cant go into too much detail about those, because they are secret.... well sort of. anyway then we went back to julia's and she learned how to do a round-off from my mom. who by the way never taught her own daughter how to do a cartwheel-let alone a round-off. so then i left and went swimming and practiced my fantastic gymnastic skills more. then julia called me and invited me over because jeff and paul were coming over. it was really fun-even though i have boba now perminantly stuck in my hair, and julia was mad at jeff most of the night. but paul was really nice (nicer than jeff!) and we sort of just wandered around and went on the abusive swings and hid money in our bras... anyway we had a great time but unfortunately i didnt realize that chai tea had caffeine in it because i couldnt fall asleep until 4 in the morning. so now i am exhausted, and listening to bowie hoping he can awaken me. and i promised my dad i'd go to the club to play tennis with him in like an hour. and we are going to visit the chinese cousins that moved here yesterday. im pretty sure everyone knows the chinese cousins because they are my favorite people to talk about. anyway this post sucks but i just wanted to give a sort of timeline idea so i dont forget. by the way if any of you know what we are supposed to margin note in great expectations, pleaaaase tell me because i need to start...

"ive made my own prison and now i have to, like, exist in it" whoever guesses what that is from wins a prize :)

2004-07-21T22:52:00.000-07:00

everyone just left for my dad's 50th birthday party. it was really fun but i feel sort of sad. its like so many things are coming to a close, my parents are getting old and while 50 is not exactly ancient, it reminds me how fast the time goes by. its really hit me tonight, my sister is leaving. my sister. my only sister. i cant stand the thought that i wont have her to talk to every night. she is the one person in my life consistantly admirable, consistantly there for me. im not ready for her to go yet. its like as soon as we start becoming "equals", as soon as i hang out with she and her friends-shes gone. sometimes i just want to pause time-stop in this moment and just have it for a little longer. i can remember when i was little and hearing people say things like "life is short" and thinking that they were crazy. life was sooo long, i had only been alive for 10 years or so and it seemed eternity. but now its 5 years later, and i cant remember where the time went. in response to the very debatable post by lizzy-i think being teenagers, we are changing so rapidly, we are finally starting to really think on our own, aside from our parents. and if that means coming up with new philosophies every five minutes then so be it. its our job, to think, to change, to come up with theories that we find brilliant then come up with a new one a second later. and if we arent allowed to do that-to change our mind, then we can never grow. and the point isnt that they are original or profound to other people, but that they are our ideas, that we came up with. anyway that is my "theory"-and i know i say things that i find profound (or seem like i think they're profound) but i like to do that. and while i think we should "live" because we are just 15, part of living is forming opinions and feelings. and if we think we are really profound, then fine, good for us, because we are all profound in some ways-just some more than others...

2004-07-18T00:07:00.000-07:00

sometimes its like i think i am having fun until i see other people having fun. i think i have good friends until i see someone else's good friends. i think i am lucky until i see someone else's good luck. and now i dont know what to think. i just want to leave, get out, start over. it all feels so fake, everyone is acting, no one is real. i hate it, i hate faking it, i just want to leave. but what if when i leave the people are still fake, and i still have this feeling. maybe its worth it, why not? why not just try? just take a leap of faith and maybe for once everything will work out. i want to do it, but i dont know how. why wont someone just tell me what to do

2004-07-14T21:35:00.000-07:00

i am so so so so happy. i have no idea why but i dont care. i keep singing "rain drops keep falling on my head" oh sigh i feel so great. i had driving school today and being the loser i am i loved it. wow i am just so happy today. if you are in a bad/sad/mad mood today, please dont talk to me, i dont want to lose this feeling. but if you are happy and want to talk to an obnoxiously joyous person, go ahead and call. i am the epitomy of being "high on life" i just love everyone. so if ive never told you, i love you guys, regardless of how stupid i sound. i love each and every one of you, even mattias being the cocky jackass dictator that he is. sigh. im so happy. i love everthing and everyone.

2004-07-13T12:50:00.000-07:00

hey guys if any of you have a copy of the USA today from yesterday, check in the back where the editorials and letters are, my sister submitted an article against the draft in response to another editorial and it got in! so if you have the chance you should read it, its a good article. the title is Stand Up Against the Draft by C.Cronin from pacific palisades. hopefully some right wing republicans dont come to our house and shoot us.... oh also if any of you want to take drivers ed with me please tell me because i desperately need to take it! ps please comment in the lower red, bigger comment thing, not the tiny purple one right below my post :)

2004-07-10T23:40:00.000-07:00

i just went out with some friends. ugh. i hate people, well not all people, but thats how i feel right now. i guess sometimes you go into something with high expectations and when you do that you will always be disapointed. although i didnt know having a good time was too high of expectations. grrr i just feel so empty right now, so dissapointed with everything and everyone. i just want to get really really fucking drunk and forget. im acting like something awful happened, some huge event-it didnt. it was the non-events that happened. one of the friends was acting really wierd, not talking to me at all. i sometimes wonder if the people i consider friends really think of me that way, because im starting to think he doesnt. and its upsetting. i dont know, maybe i expect too much out of people, but tonight i just felt left out, akward, and unloved. i hate feeling that way. i was going to go to a movie afterwards, but my parents couldnt pick me up. i was upset while i was there but now i am sort of glad, because i feel like crying. i just feel so unwanted, so insecure, like such a fucking loser. i feel like all these friendships i thought i had were a lie, the people i thought cared about me dont, i mean how can they? they dont even know me. i want to be invisible, i want to just go away for a while and be alone.

2004-07-10T23:39:00.000-07:00

fourth of july was last weekend. it was pretty fun. i have all of these great memories of sitting on a sandy white beach, the smell of barbicues and smoke in the air, propped up on my dad's lap, watching the fire works. i remember i could feel the embers falling on my face and being so in awe. ive always loved fourth of july-i dont think i really knew it had to do with the usa until a few years ago, but it is just so beautiful. thousands of people gather, lying on blankets and towels, sitting next to the people they love, watching fire works. beautiful. i love them. when i saw the fireworks on sunday, i went back to those days on the beach. on my dad's lap. i was a six year old again. wide eyed and in love with life. it made me feel alive again.

2004-07-10T23:37:00.000-07:00

daydreaming. usually a harmless activity that makes time pass quickly, however i think ive been doing too much of it. have you ever daydreamed about one situation, one instance so much that it starts to become all you think about? there are just some things you want so much you would do anything. i havent the slightest idea of what we've been doing in comp lit because ive been thinking about him so much. i just want him to say it. i want it to be true. but it is still just a dream, and dreams arent reality...

2004-07-07T21:15:00.000-07:00

everything is so tense, life is so hectic. people are angry. sometimes you need breathing space. thats how ive been feeling today. when i feel like this the only thing that makes me feel better is a storm. it doesnt really make sense but i love storms. the way the air gets humid and warm right before a downpour, the blackened clouds, the sudden breaze. its so magical. anyway here is a pictures that calm me down.

2004-07-03T15:16:00.000-07:00

i was going to wait until everyone commented on my last post, but i decided that people take far too long. i know a lot of you think its stupid-people always wanting people to comment, but i think that is sort of the point of a blog. i mean we could all just write in a diary instead-but sometimes its nice to have feedback. i like reading comments-the good and the bad ones, it sort of keeps you in check and at the same time lets you know you arent alone. i feell like there are a lot of things in my life that i have been forced to go through alone, that i never told anyone because i didnt think anyone would understand. but thru blogs i realized that we are all really similar in what we are going through. i though i was the only one who has been feeling lost, trying to find myself-and then i read julia's blog and found that she was trying to do the same thing. i know sometimes you just dont have anything to write but sometimes you just have to put whatever you feel because it really helps to know people are there for you. anyway i went to a movie last night with claire. we saw Before Sunset-it was really good. the entire movie was shot in normal time-there were no cuts, no "the next day" so it felt so real. the acting and the dialogue made it feel like you were watching two people, finding these insights into their lives, not like you were in a movie. it was so honest and that is what i really liked about it. then i went out to dinner afterwards. it was really nice, spending time with claire-talking about nothing and everything. i talked with her about recent problems with friends, school, i dont know personal ones i guess. and it was just really helpful to get feedback from someone older. i know its only three years difference but i think those 3 years chcange you a lot. ive watched my sister go from a quirky 8th grader on the debate team, creating clubs and bands, to a lost freshman, with a little less clothing on, lovesick and sad. ive seen her change into a depressed troubled teenage girl with a craving to die and a suicidal boyfriend. and finally ive seen her turn into this amazing person, this beautiful, amazing, inspirational girl-frighteningly insightful, always listening, almost floating. all in the course of 4 years. i remember feeling like i was always watching from the sidelines, not really a part of her life but more of a spectator. but seeing her change so much physically and mentally has really made me wonder what i will become in the next 4 years. how much change i am in for. i dont really know-i think up until this year ive stayed the same scared johanna, and finally i feel a little different. i really want to find myself in these four years, i dont want to become a model or a celebrity but i want to be me. i want to be more confident, a little less self conciense. and if i can accomplish that by the end of highschool then i have succeeded, because i really think that is the most important thing. i used to think people were so full of shit when they said things like "stay true to yourself" -i always thought "how can you not stay true to yourself? its so easy-just be yourself", but im onlly now realizing i dont know who me is, i dont know the person i am supposed to be true to. and i really need to find it...

2004-07-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

this is the post you have all been waiting for!!! i FINALLY got around to posting after liike 4 weeks without a real post. the recent update is im doing comp lit, which is surprizingly not that bad. not fun-but not that bad. although i really dont like getting up at 7 every morning during the summer. lets see, what has happened since school got out? well finals of course-i hate finals! but what i realized is it never really affects your grade, i mean if you are doing well all year chances are you will do well on the final. i got my report card back and didnt do as badly as i had thought-and i made dean's list woo hoo! when we got the deans list letter thing my mom was like "johanna i think you have been chosen to be a dean! it says here that you made the list!" i was a little confused-not realizing freshman could become deans of classes-but then she realized it was something unimportant about grades and said nevermind. yes, my mother is quite easily confused. i saw farenheit 911 yesterday with julia-and i saw lizzy at the theatre. i loved the movie- i mean it is very one sided and biased-but it was brilliant. basically it made you come out of the theatre hating bush more than ever. i really think everyone should see it (especially voters). the thing that really bugged me was that he was told of the first plane crashing into the world trade center, but he was planning on reading to some children for a photo-op. knowing that a plane had just crashed into the world trade tower, where there had been a previous terrorist attack a few years back, he decides to go ahead with the photo-op. as if that isnt bad enough- when he got to the classroom a secret service guy came up to hiim and wispered to him that america is under attack and the other tower had just been hit. you would think he wouold jump up, do something, ask for more details, at least leave the photo-op! but no, he sat there for 7 mins reading the fucking book about a goat! the sick part is he didnt even look surprized or scared or anything. he just looked with his stupid little weasle face at the goat book. it was appalling. i cant even imagine why anyone would vote for him. he has fucked up our country so much-and the republicans are blaming clinton! im sorry but was clinton the one that sent us into this meaningless war??? is clinton the one that shipped off osama bin-laden's 100 family members (who were staying in the US) into saudi arabia 2 days after 9-11??? and was clinton the one who sat there reading about a goat when he finds out our country is under attack???! no! ugh it just makes me sick-some people where talking about how evil bush is-to be honest i think that is a compliment to bush-he isnt smart enough to be evil!
onto a new topic... i cant believe we are 10th graders! i dont know whether or not to be happy. i mean there are parts of getting older that i like (driving, more freedom...) but at the same time i feel like every year i am losing more and more of my childhood. that sounds so stupid-but i want to be a kid still. i would gladly givee up all of the new freedoms and adventures of being a teenager to be 6 again. everything was so much happier-i dont remember ever really being sad, i was so innocent, so uninhibited. now everything is different. i feel like ive lost so much of my innocence and i want it back. but i guess thats the thing-you never really can get it back. but at the same time as i want to be a kid again, i also want a lot of the "teenager" things. i know jane will probablyl tell me this is stupid-but i want a boyfriend. i dont care if that sounds desperate or lame. i just want one person to love me. no, im not unloved by my parents or anything-i just want to find someone. someone that understands me. i want my "noah". and it is so sad to think he may not come. that love may not exist-maybe it is only in movies... kate always says she wishes she wanted a boyfriend (although she has one...) but she is too commitment-phobic. i wish i had her problem, it would be so much easier not to want that, not to try, not to hope. but i guess part of me is that i can never give up hope. i was watching my so-called life and angela said "i always thought by the age of 15 i would have a love life, i dont even have a love life"-i think that is sort of how i feel. i had all these expectations of highschool, and so far it hasnt really come through.
ok this post is a lilttle scattered because that is how my mind is right now-plus there is a lot to say. so i am just going to break it up with paragraphs. i went to san fransisco last week which was great. my chinese cousins are there and they are moving down! ok i just realized how wierd it sounds for me to call them my chinese cousins-but if you had 45 first cousins and only 2 were chinese (adopted) then you wouold do that too... they are so cute though-one is 3 and the other is 1. i am the god-mother of the little one. which is wierd because i am her cousin, but i guess thats besides the point. anyway i hung out with them for two days, then my mom, claire, matt and i went to the city to meet my dad and ryan. we stayed in the city and claire and i hung out with her friend shaun because he lives there. it was fun, shaun is really nice although a little...flirtacious (ask jane). so anyway we got back and now im in camp every day. i havent done anything that interesting yet except for san fran. although 4th of july is coming up, and my dad's 50th bday (july 21) which is really exciting because his 8 siblings, their kids, and my grandparents area all flying out here! i am soooo excited. also-i am going to ireland in august which will be great since i have only been to canada (outside of the US)--oh and guess what-samo gale (she is a junior now) or something called and left a message asking if i wanted to babysit occasionally next year for the teachers kids-and i could choose to either get paid or get community service! which would be really helpful. anyway sort of off topic-my sister graduated from highschool. i really havent let myself think about her leaving that much because it makes me so sad. i just admire her so much-she has inspired me more than anyone else in my life and i dont know what im going to do without her. it will be wierd, im going to be sort of the oldest child when she leaves. i dont know-i hate changes, so i guess i will just have to figure out what to do when the time comes. im not sure what else to write. wow im so glad i finally wrote this post-now i can post more frequentlyy.

by the way i have been trying to comment on people's blogs more (especially jane's) and im sorry if i havent been doing that much....

2004-06-17T17:53:00.000-07:00

i hate my family. i decided that i am going to have to switch
families. if anyone has an opening please notify me.

2004-06-15T22:48:00.000-07:00

crap i just wrote a really really long post and it deleted!!!!!!!!!
ok i PROMISE i will post tomorrow and it will be really really
good. fuck i hate computers. but in the meanwhile here is my
blunt truth thing:
http://blunttruth.bolt.com/takesurvey.cfm?uid=8988801

and here is jeff's:
http://blunttruth.bolt.com/takesurvey.cfm?uid=8229801

but here are the topics i have to talk about on tomorrow's post:
graduations
brentwood
list of likes/dislikes
water parks
blunt truth
finals
feeling lost/insecure
claire
new room

ok so get excited!

"grrrrrrrrr"-jeff is a wolf by the way

2004-06-11T15:05:00.000-07:00

i wrote a new post, but i am debating about whether or not to post it. its not mean or anything-or not about anyone else. but it might be sort of a downer. i want to be more honest on this blog, treat it more like a diary... but it isnt a diary. i dont write a lot of what is going on with me. so maybe i shouldnt post it. i dont know-what do you guys thing?

2004-06-04T23:25:00.000-07:00

fucking fuck.

2004-05-30T20:27:00.000-07:00

last night i went to matt's concert at the roxy. The revelators were
great. it was my first time at a club and i actually had a pretty
good time. however, the day wasnt exactly great. for starters i
almost got beaten up. i went to the boys varsity volleyball game in
cerritos. it started out really well, we were filled with school
pride-screaming and shouting, really bleeding red white and blue.
then some woman tapped me on the back and told me to move down or
sit because she couldnt see with all of us standing and cheering. i
should also mention she was from the other side. i tried sitting for
a second but i couldnt see anything, so i stood back up. then like 5
mins later, another girl next to the first woman hit me on the back
(not like smacked me on the back-but it was definitely harder than
a tap). anyway this woman said rudely, "did you hear her or what??!"
luckily evan alpough and billy kaplan told them that i had the right
to stand if i wanted to, and if they had a problem they could stand
themselves, or move. i was thankful for their rescue but i had a
feeling this was just going to piss them off more. elisa and i
moved our purses because i thought that they might get the idea
of taking some money out of it. for like 15 mins elisa and i kept
looking back to see if someone was coming to attack us. then they
decided that to get back at us they would yell at the top of their
lungs into our ears every time their team got a point. well, this
got annoying (and deafening) fast. so the next point we won elisa
and i turned around and screamed "WOOHOO BRENTWOOD!!!" in their
faces... probably not the best idea. one of them grabbed elisa
and said "do you guys want to fuck??! because we are going to fuck
you up so bad!" elisa started crying. i was just sort of laughing
in a really really really scared way. but the senior boys came to
our rescue (sigh), Evan said "dont you fucking touch them! i mean
what the fuck are you doing? get the fuck out of here!" yeah they
all seemed to like the word fuck a lot. so thankfully they moved.
ok that is not the end of the story-but i am going to blockbuster
so that is enough for now...

2004-05-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

i just got home from the play, Our Town. wow it was amazing. i
started crying at the end of the play and through the senior speech
things it turned into full on balling. thankfully, i was not alone-
i turned around and elisa and julia were crying right next to me.
the thing that made me so sad was the end. the girl was dead and she
wanted to go flashback to her 12th birthday, just to sort of
reminisce about being alive. but while she was visiting her past,
she realized how she took so much of life for granted, hung up on
aimless passions, one after another-and never seeing what is really
there. she asked lucas if anyone could ever really appreciate life
in each moment of it and lucas replied "no". i dont know whether or
not that is true, i mean i know there are so many times-in my
childhood when i wish i could go back, just bask in the glow of my
innocence. things were so much easier then, so much simpler, so much
happier. but it was just sad to think of how much time we waste,
and how it is really just the simple things that we will remember.
my dad is always telling me "dont go on the computer, you are
wasting your life on that thing-do something worthwhile". but what
i dont think he understands, is that you dont have to go to the
beach, or to a museum to be doing something worthwhile. while
he, and many of my friends may see this blog as a waste of time,
it means so much to me. and i just hope one day i can go back and
see these entries and realize how much i enjoyed life, despite
what it may seem. i think my goal for next year is to have fun,
just to enjoy highschool. because we wont get this time back.
i always make goals like "try to go out with so-and-so, be better
friends with blank-watch less tv"... but i dont want any more
goals like that. if i really am having fun and enjoying life while
watching tv then i am going to go ahead and do it. because as
cliche as it sounds, life is too short to try to please other
people all the time, sometimes you have to realize that the only
thing that matters is that when you look back, you dont have
any regrets...

2004-05-25T19:07:00.000-07:00

fuck i feel awful. not sick awful, just sort of empty. like the world is all an act and there is no point in it anymore. sometimes i just feel as if everyone is just pretending, trying, as hard as they can. i wonder if anyone is just naturally funny or witty or nice-or whether they are just acting. i feel so much pressure to do something-or be someone i'm not. or maybe i am, i dont even know anymore. i spent half of the day in a daze. when i got to PE i was ready to cry, then coach novias asked me what was wrong-and i broke into tears and left. coach novias came to check on me-and in an attempt to comfort me she gave me a hug and forged my head down on her shoulder. it was more uncomfortable then comforting. when i went back in class kate was crying too-different reason though. poor kate. it was quite an emotional pe class. i have so much family/friend crap going on i cant fake it any more. you probably think its just some stupid fight-but it's not. i have so much to deal with and it's turning me into this mopy person that cries every night. i feel like i have lost faith in humanity, not completely, hopefully temporarily. i think i will give up on this one boy. i like him a lot but i cant compete anymore. i dont flirt with every guy i meet-its just not part of me. when i like a boy i am just a lot nicer- i am way too scared of being hurt to actually put myself out there. but im sick of trying to keep up, pretending. its so much easier to not like anyone...

2004-05-24T16:20:00.001-07:00

ugh i am in such a bad mood. well i am just really mad. i mean just asking out of interest-does it bother anyone else when your friend purposely flirts with the guy you like??? because it DOES bother me. i mean i can accept that there are just some people that are flirty all the time, like no matter what-and i dont mind that (ex. kate), but then there are those people that flirt with boys only after they find out their friend likes him! i mean i wouldnt mind if she didnt know i liked him, but she does know.... ugh. well i am still in that sort of "giggly" phase of the boys i like. i mean after i talk to either of them i sort of turn to lizzy and start giggling and cant really stop... its great fun. and after school i saw both of them walking together (i think they were going home together) and i was just sort of staring and aparently lizzy was trying to have a conversation with me because when i turned back she was like "you know?"-of course i didnt know...too busy looking at **** and ****(sigh). its so obvious to tell if a girl likes you-if you catch them staring at you kind of often that is a dead giveaway (at least with me). i would give away more clues but i dont want either of them to find out-i wonder if they know... we had the simulation today-it was really fun. i was soooo nervous but i think i did alright, although those damn democrates kept insulting us. thank God for john, he is like Bush's only real suppporter. anyway i am SOOOO excited for matt's concert! it is going to be great! if you havent gotten a ticket yet, you definitely should! ok well i gotta go prepare for my statement as Press Secretary for the White House...

2004-05-22T10:24:00.000-07:00

last night i went over to elisa and she jeff and i watched "the birds." wow it is a fucking fantastic movie. i mean yes, its dated, and no, its not actually scary...but come on! i mean birds attacking humans and pecking out their eyes??? it was great. anyway i would like to thank jeff for putting up with elisa and i throughout the continuous whispering, laughing uncontrollably and throwing pillows at him. i realized that the best way to get a lot of comments on a post is to say something controversial. i guess the whole rory sleeping around thing was controversial because i got like 20 comments. and even though i have quite a few controversial thoughts, i am not really in the mood to write them down. oh and responding to lizzy's blog, i sort of agree with her. i mean i do think it is hard to know who YOU are beneath all of the influences we have, but i think that has sort of become a part of us. i mean yes we are told what is right and wrong, bad and good-but it's us who finnally decide what WE think is good/bad. i don't think the saying "be yourself" is stupid-because honestly, i think everyone should try their hardest to be themselves, or as close as they can be. but sometimes it is hard to know who "you" are. i dont think trying to find that out would result in us all acting like cavemen, contrary to what lizzy thinks. and i dont think trying to be who we are as much as we can would lead to our sleeping with a bunch of people. i mean hopefully deep down we aren't all just whores. anyway that was just my rebuttle. anyway i cant decide between two boys i like. one of them is really really nice and funny and smart and cute, but the other is also funny smart and cute-although a little less nice lol. the one i have been writing about for the past few posts is the latter, but i am really starting to like the first one. i mean i dont even know if either of them like me-but i feel like i should decide. i dont know-it would help a lot if i knew if one of them liked me, but i guess i cant FORCE a guy to tell me who they like, however hard i may try...

2004-05-18T20:56:00.000-07:00

i just saw the season finale of gilmore girls, oh man wow. just in case some of you are not fans-rory and dead ( who is married) have sex... yes it is rory's first time. i would definitely not want my first time to be with a married man, poor rory. wow i am way too involved in this show-but it is soooo good! today we threw a party for ms radomile. she wouldnt tell us when her real bday was so we gave her a surprize "honorary bday party"-she loved it. i made her a cake and it was really good-we even got garrett brey to take a photo of our class. we have thrown a party like every two weeks -it is really only brian lizzy and i, but thats ok...
anyway i have something really big going on, not good big. it has to do with my family sort of i dont know. my mom said i cant tell anyone so i guess that includes this. but i want to so much-i cant handle it and it is upsetting me so much. i dont know what to do i mean i need someone to talk to but i feel like there is no one that can know about it. i really need help, oh well...

2004-05-14T19:04:00.000-07:00

i just finished my piano lesson-which is the reason i missed the second half of the play "working." all i can say is i wasnt too torn up inside by the fact that i had to leave early. i mean it was definitley not great. i was mad though that i missed maggie (lizzy's sister) because that was the main reason i went. i just thought the play itself was stupid and some of the acting and singing was lacking. oh well, that is probably about the level we were at last year. i had the bio test today which was fun... i actually think i did ok, but im trying not to think that way because whenever i think i did well i always do horribly-i think its a law of the universe, along with "you can never get what you want until you stop wanting it"-ugh i hate the universe. that is why i dont think anything will ever happen with the guy i like, because i want it too much. ok i am sick of refering to him as "the guy i like" so i will give him a codename...what about max-i always thought that was a hot name. anyway im not sure whether or not max still likes this one girl-who i knew he liked in the past. i dont know whether or not i should ask him because i dont want to seem obvious, but i want to know if he still does. if i do ask him he will probably think im one of those girls that asks just because they have nothing better to do and they like gossip-if i didnt like him i could care less! but if he likes this girl still i guess i will just give up and move on to someone else... i cant even imagine things working out, because it never has in the past, but i guess there has to be a first time for everything...

2004-05-12T20:47:00.000-07:00

ok so this whole posting every day thing is harder than i thought, i mean not much happens each day. today i really didnt do anything-i was in such a wierd mood though. i couldnt stop laughing, it didnt matter what u were saying, i would laugh at it. i just came back from my confirmation class-on my way to hard core catholicism woo hoo! ugh its awful, im in a group with five boys and me. yeah i know what ur thinking-that doesnt sound so bad, it actually sounds sort of fun.... well its not.
to give u an idea of the types of boys they are, as i was leaving they found some pile with little clumps of dirt, they decided that those would be great to use as weapons! so they started flinging dirt balls right in front of me, and i was just sitting there, hoping my dad would come or they would find some new way to ammuse themselves. they didnt-but they did hit me! so now i have little clumps of dirt stuck in my hair, which is always fun. ugh i really like this boy-i know that was off topic but it is all i can think about. its so stupid i hate boys.... well not all boys i just hate it that i cant stop thinking about "him"-maybe i should try to concentrate on something else...oh i know! ok so you know how everyone has/is aparently in "love" well it just seems so wierd to me. at first i was sort of jelous, but now im sort of suspicious. i mean i know u cant say "you cant feel that" but i dont think they are in love. i mean its not to say that u cant be at this age, of course you can. its just that i think people throw that word around a lot. i mean a lot of these people dont even know the people they are in love with very well. i just think before you profess your love to someone, you should think about whether or not u really are in love....

2004-05-11T16:25:00.000-07:00

wow i am so proud of myslef, i have posted like every day for the past week! i know how pleased you all are. i know i already said this but....HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIZZY! she is finnally my age, well sort of-she is my number now. i have to take all of these flyer pictures and its so fun, except i am really scared of a lot of the older peole. i dont know why-its so stupid, i just get scared when i have to ask drew stern for a picture when he is with like 15 other boys and girls. jessica beatty was making fun of me for it :( but i did get a picture of drew stern and i would just like to say that he is so hot and so nice, and now i have pictures of him!! haha i dont actually like him, but he was really nice. i had a history quiz and in class essay-i actually finished the essay this time, and ulike the last in class essay, i didnt make up any quotes! but i got 2 out of 4 on the quiz, rather than seeing this as failing i am going to think of it as getting half of the questions right! and half is pretty good.... oh and i decided that i dont want to be called johanna anymore, i am now kiki. i told ali this and she said she refuses to call me kiki-she wants to call me Hanya instead! ugh ugh ugh. i talked to bryce today-it turns out he is twelve, which i suppose is not that bad. but i feel so stupid, liking a 7th grader is something hannah would do!
and u know the new boy i like, not bryce, well i like him so much. i want him to like me back but i really doubt he does. i only have like one class with him i think, but he is so funny and nice. i mean i have had boys like me before, but i have never liked me back-i just wish for once the boy i liked liked me back. but i guess that would involve telling them i liked them-and after what happened last time im not really about to do that. but i seriously dont think boys know how easy it is to get a girl to like them-well most girls. i mean i always see a boy be sort of nice and pay attention to a girl-and then she likes him! because honestly all girls really want is to be liked back. and i think we sort of hold on to everything he says to us, and just wish that he will one day tell us that he likes us. ugh im such a romantic-i wish i were more like kate, she actually hates anything romantic, she hates relationships, she doesnt want a boyfriend- it seems things would be so much easier....

"not unhappiness
just some sullen thing
shades of consequence
haze and vacancies
you turn back to me
through the curling gray
you keep haunting me
with your sullen shade"

2004-05-10T22:36:00.000-07:00

I was watching the everwood season finale, and here is a quote from Bright:
(Ephram) "Shutup you are confusing me" (Bright) "Am I? Or am i enlightening you?" "She's your soul mate, dude"
wow i love bright
oh and speaking of bright, well sort of, bryce talked to kate and i today. we were going to get ping pong balls for PE in mr grasso's room, and as we were leaving we saw mr castanares. we were talking to him for a little bit about bryce, in front of the 7th grade science room. then suddenly bryce came out of the room and sort of smiled at us. i thought he was leaving class to go to the bathroom or something, but he was just leaving class to talk to us!! anyway kate and i introduced ourselves and we talked for like 2 mins. ugh he is so cute. but the bad thing i found out today is that he is a genius. now normally i wouldnt mind a genius, i might even be happy about it. but he skipped a grade! yes, that means he is not 13, he is either 11 or 12, damnitt. so i guess kate and i are officially "cradle-robbers" haha oh well. im fine with that title. according to my seventh grade carpool, bryce is a loser, he has no friends, he is freakishly smart, bad at sports and dancing, and arrogant. wow, he sounds wonderful.... (sigh) ok well i better go to bed but i just had to add that.
oh and by the way wish lizzy pace a happy birthday tommorow-she is 15!!!

2004-05-09T19:34:00.000-07:00

today was mother's day!!! my family went to the beach and out to lunch and my mom stayed at home. i know what ur thinking-on mothers day you left your mom home??? but she was the one who suggested we leave for a few hours so she could "catch up on things". i havent the slightest idea of what she needed to catch up on. but i did see a strange man come out of our house....haha. anyway last night a boy told me he likes me. i didnt really know what to say, i mean i am friends with this guy but i just cant think of him that way. its so wierd, its like u can be great friends with a really nice guy, but just never like him romantically. i always seem to like the guys i will never get. not that i always like really hot guys-i dont at all. it just seems like every time i like a boy a lot, they always like someone else. i dont know, according to lizzy i like guys that are "musicians and may or may not be on drugs." haha i guess that's partially true. its just i've always had a thing for musicians, i think i picture them as being more deep, and i always thought it would be great to have him write a song for me. that sounds so stupid, but a few years ago i saw the movie "10 things i hate about you" i thought the best part was when he sang for her. i dont know why, it just seems so sweet. the funny thing about all of this is that for the past month or so i have been really wanting a boy to like me, and it sort of happened, only i dont like him back. oh well i guess i have three more years of high school for the "right" guy to like me....